I wrote the following about a month ago, but never posted it. For some reason my lack of inspiration on the topic left me a little uneasy, so I never gathered my thoughts entirely to form a comprehensive impression. I wrote it because I knew deep down I was ready to love, but couldn't quite put a finger on how I was meant to feel.
I've never been a huge fan of romance. The idea of it can excite me, but I can never find myself sitting through a rom-com or romance novel and actually enjoying it. Maybe the ideas are just too far-fetched for me.
I used to write a lot about love and being in love. One thing I realised recently is I don't even think about it anymore: I used to daydream about falling in love with someone. Just like every other teenage girl who pictures herself locking eyes with the enticing stranger across the room; you gravitate towards each- other, like an irresistible urge because of some unwritten rules of the universe that declared you both to meet.
I can't even write creatively about love anymore, because I don't feel the things I used to and I don't think the way I used to. Part of me wants to blame that on what happened last year, and that somehow my capacity to fall in love has diminished. I do put trust into people too easily, but I struggle to connect on that deeper level and ultimately my uncertainty about love has ruined the only two relationships I've been in. I don't think I've ever looked at a partner as if they're my whole world. The love that I have felt towards people in the past has always been temporary, fleeting, and I've been aware of that since all the first "I love you"'s. I think I want to be in love, but at the same time I don't know what that is and it scares me.
Since writing the above, I have learnt a lot about love. I realised its not necessarily just the way you feel about someone. It came to me suddenly, unlike my past relationships where I felt my love growing for someone, it was a sudden understanding that this person is the best thing I can hold on to right now. It was not threatening like it had been in the past, there was no hesitancy and saying it out loud felt encouraging rather than feeling like chance thrown to the wind. I have always loved my past relationships, I spent most of that time looking for reasons to fall in love and gradually we became close enough to call it that. The difference now is that I didn't have to look for reasons. I didn't have to consult my mind and compare it to the universe to find our place in it.
I still cannot say I know entirely everything there is to know about love, but I'm excited and I'm ready to find out.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Sunday, November 27, 2016
It's funny how
I spent so long trying to quiet my mind
then I was silenced;
and I ached abruptly and intolerably
to feel again.
I spun worlds where I could understand such sentient creatures,
but it was just a failure to grasp the truth that
millions upon millions of artisans handmade
my feelings.
Because of you,
because I am absorbed in your thinking,
there is no more longing to understand
myself.
Though we are running out of drugs,
and conversations running dry,
I wouldn't take back one stupid decision
for 5 more years of life.
I spent so long trying to quiet my mind
then I was silenced;
and I ached abruptly and intolerably
to feel again.
I spun worlds where I could understand such sentient creatures,
but it was just a failure to grasp the truth that
millions upon millions of artisans handmade
my feelings.
Because of you,
because I am absorbed in your thinking,
there is no more longing to understand
myself.
Though we are running out of drugs,
and conversations running dry,
I wouldn't take back one stupid decision
for 5 more years of life.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
other people
Something I've never been able to get my head around, is the simple truth that everyone else is as real as you. Everyone has their own thoughts/desires/idea's and mantras and it genuinely fucks me up how differently people can think from the way I do.
It has always intrigued me how we can experience things, but what I take from it can be entirely different to how someone else perceives it. I like to say I try to see the best in all things, but sometimes its harder to be so positive. However, it's extremely disheartening when people intentionally refuse to see a bigger picture, to see over and above a timely shortcoming or delusion. It's important that your view on the world is uninfluenced by the people you surround yourself with, which is hard of course, soon after being around someone their thoughts/desires/idea's start to infiltrate yours. As humans it is natural for us to sense and match the emotional energy around us. This energy, at best, is an emotionally bleak space created by cynical and confused people operating on little sleep, with a frantic desire to be somewhere, doing something entirely different.
However, it is not in our human nature to be lazy, greedy and pessimistic. Sadly, our world has become one where tragically, more people are fascinated by materialism and by the lives of other detached narcissists than by their own life experiences.
Fortunately, for all the people that pick out the worlds flaws and emanate their cynical and defeatist attitudes, there are their counterparts. To live the good life, it is almost a requirement to be able to transform the energy we feel at any moment; to not abandon hope and say that the world is too cruel and stressful, and that the situations we find ourselves in are destined to dominate our lives and feelings. It seems foreign to me, but there are people in the world who practice this. There are the people who are fully aware of the agency they have to activate the very energy and emotion through which they experience life. The people who see the best in all things and these people serve as a blinding reminder to me that there is much to be grateful for in this seemingly dark world.
I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo, I'm trying not to allow my mind to conform to the reality that the bored, fearful and sullen people of the world are trying to make it. I'm trying not to get sucked into this whirlpool of negativity, to actually be able to choose at any moment, the palette of my emotional sky. I want vitality, freedom and positivity.
Monday, November 7, 2016
bored
I think I'm over trying to explain everything to myself. I'm finally done trying to analyse and explain the things I see and experience.
It seems as though every time I seem to get a grasp of a concept, every time I finally get my head around my life and my situation something throws me off balance and I'm left questioning everything and analysing everything and trying to make sense of everything.
Things that I thought existed don't; nothing really, actually and entirely makes sense. I can see things and here things and form ideas about things but when I come back to them they feel so distant and foreign. Its like I see something as one way, then when i go back to it its something completely different. Things that I once found familiar suddenly feel foreign and distant and it happens quickly like a switch flipped.
And I'm going to have to be okay with that.
Now I just have to learn to accept things the way they are. There is no use in trying to figure out why things happen and how they happen. All i've been able to think/ write about recently is a whole lot of dribble with no real deeper meaning and that bothers me. Words have just been a sequence of letters that form no coherent purpose.
I just need to learn to be okay with things, to open my mind again. I think thats part of the reason I've not been able to write creatively. My mind has been restricted. I want those endless and unlimited and infinite thoughts ideas and passions and beliefs back; but my mind has been limited to thinking purely of the issues I currently face. Even I'm getting bored with myself. Maybe its the rain, or the lack of cigarettes that leave me searching deeper and deeper into the nothingness in my mind, which, not surpisingly makes me feel a bit empty. Like I'm looking for something I know isn't there
It seems as though every time I seem to get a grasp of a concept, every time I finally get my head around my life and my situation something throws me off balance and I'm left questioning everything and analysing everything and trying to make sense of everything.
Things that I thought existed don't; nothing really, actually and entirely makes sense. I can see things and here things and form ideas about things but when I come back to them they feel so distant and foreign. Its like I see something as one way, then when i go back to it its something completely different. Things that I once found familiar suddenly feel foreign and distant and it happens quickly like a switch flipped.
And I'm going to have to be okay with that.
Now I just have to learn to accept things the way they are. There is no use in trying to figure out why things happen and how they happen. All i've been able to think/ write about recently is a whole lot of dribble with no real deeper meaning and that bothers me. Words have just been a sequence of letters that form no coherent purpose.
I just need to learn to be okay with things, to open my mind again. I think thats part of the reason I've not been able to write creatively. My mind has been restricted. I want those endless and unlimited and infinite thoughts ideas and passions and beliefs back; but my mind has been limited to thinking purely of the issues I currently face. Even I'm getting bored with myself. Maybe its the rain, or the lack of cigarettes that leave me searching deeper and deeper into the nothingness in my mind, which, not surpisingly makes me feel a bit empty. Like I'm looking for something I know isn't there
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
i don't need jesus
I haven't written in a while, I don't know why I figured nows the best time to gather my thoughts, maybe because this is the first time in weeks I've felt truly alone.
Not a bad thing of course, I like my own company- for the most part. I'm in my favourite place again: by the window, with my durries and my morning coffee. Its rainy and unusually quiet for 8am. I like the fact that most people choose to walk to work, theres a couple of schools in the area too so typically families will walk by with their dogs on their way to drop the children off. But its raining, so maybe everyone else, not unlike me, decided today's a great day to stay inside.
I can't believe its already November, it's a cliché and all but the years definitely go by quicker and quicker. The years go fast but the days go slow, unsurprisingly. I talk about decisions a lot, and the decisions I make which probably gets a bit old for any readers - I'll get there one day but for the minute the content I write is just for me. It's because I'm a bit fucked up at the moment but I know exactly why, its the decisions I face that weigh so heavily on my life and my current situation.
Everyone's faced with decisions so I shouldn't be complaining. It's decisions that fuck me up, that makes me think everything is worse than it is. It's because you carry the weight of both consequences, every single possible outcome and all the "what if's". Maybe my brains just too over active for own good but its the "what if's" that occupy my entire thinking space. It puts pressure on every aspect of any given situation.
How people handle pressure and stress has always puzzled me, and I've given it a lot of thought. Some people can realign themselves doing things like taking a walk in the sunshine, or having a really long hot shower. Other people take to more drastic measures like changing their entire lifestyle or finding the light of of the lord. I've genuinely thought about that. At the worst of times I've joked about how much I need Jesus and actually considered taking my sorry ass to Church. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective.
But nah, Jesus isn't for me. Nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight.
While I like my own company, in my room or by the window, I need to learn how to stand alone in the world - as an individual, where the decisions are completely mine, uninfluenced by anything else. I figure it might help me see more clearly, but alas the thought of being entirely responsible for my own life is daunting. I guess thats just part of being an adult right, it's time to grow the fuck up and stop being afraid of the "what if's". Its hard learning to let them come as they may, but even harder trying to figure out how to handle life when you're only looking two steps ahead of you.
I think that's called being at peace, making a judgement and staying true to it, despite the infinite amount of possible outcomes. I'm working on it.
Not a bad thing of course, I like my own company- for the most part. I'm in my favourite place again: by the window, with my durries and my morning coffee. Its rainy and unusually quiet for 8am. I like the fact that most people choose to walk to work, theres a couple of schools in the area too so typically families will walk by with their dogs on their way to drop the children off. But its raining, so maybe everyone else, not unlike me, decided today's a great day to stay inside.
I can't believe its already November, it's a cliché and all but the years definitely go by quicker and quicker. The years go fast but the days go slow, unsurprisingly. I talk about decisions a lot, and the decisions I make which probably gets a bit old for any readers - I'll get there one day but for the minute the content I write is just for me. It's because I'm a bit fucked up at the moment but I know exactly why, its the decisions I face that weigh so heavily on my life and my current situation.
Everyone's faced with decisions so I shouldn't be complaining. It's decisions that fuck me up, that makes me think everything is worse than it is. It's because you carry the weight of both consequences, every single possible outcome and all the "what if's". Maybe my brains just too over active for own good but its the "what if's" that occupy my entire thinking space. It puts pressure on every aspect of any given situation.
How people handle pressure and stress has always puzzled me, and I've given it a lot of thought. Some people can realign themselves doing things like taking a walk in the sunshine, or having a really long hot shower. Other people take to more drastic measures like changing their entire lifestyle or finding the light of of the lord. I've genuinely thought about that. At the worst of times I've joked about how much I need Jesus and actually considered taking my sorry ass to Church. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective.
But nah, Jesus isn't for me. Nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight.
While I like my own company, in my room or by the window, I need to learn how to stand alone in the world - as an individual, where the decisions are completely mine, uninfluenced by anything else. I figure it might help me see more clearly, but alas the thought of being entirely responsible for my own life is daunting. I guess thats just part of being an adult right, it's time to grow the fuck up and stop being afraid of the "what if's". Its hard learning to let them come as they may, but even harder trying to figure out how to handle life when you're only looking two steps ahead of you.
I think that's called being at peace, making a judgement and staying true to it, despite the infinite amount of possible outcomes. I'm working on it.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
letter to myself
It's really hard to figure out who you are when you have someone constantly manipulating your every move. And not just someone, everyone.
I'm talking about how everyone else has agency over the decisions I make.
I just want to fly off the grid, work on myself, so that when I re-emerge, people won't see the me that I present myself as on social media, but they will see an actual me. It's naive of me to say that my current routine is working, that I'm on some path of self- discovery and that everything is justifiable because I'm young and mistakes will be made but at least I'm still growing.
But I'm not growing, not at all. I'm at a complete stand still. I'm not working on myself I'm working on my image, because after all, all that matters to me is what people see not whats actually going on. In fact it might actually be safe to say that I'm going backwards. I'm retreating into my little black whole where theres gratifying instant euphoria and devastating consequences. But once you're in there, every decision you make is blurred by that darkness, you can't see the outside world properly, so it doesn't matter.
Someone teach me how to not be a push over, how to stand up for myself and what I believe in. And not let this darkness override my decisions. I need to start doing my own thing and living my own life, its emotionally taxing when you live by the rules and mantras of someone else, or everyone else. I sound like I'm blaming the world and not myself, but I'm a part of it. A part of this egotistical game of self- destruction that everyones trying to win.
Someone teach me how to just straight up say no, but I'm always wary of how that might make someone feel. I constantly worry about how the consequences affect everyone else, and not myself, because as long as I can keep them happy and free from conflict, then thats fine. I just wish I didn't have to care so much about what other people think.
When I make decisions I need to learn to make them for myself, putting my own needs first rather than that of others. Truthfully, no body else cares. I think thats the realisation that's inspired my latest personal quest, no one cares how I spent my saturday night, or my sunday morning. No one cares what drugs I did or how much I fucked myself up. People don't need to know all about the decisions I make, because I'm not making them for everyone else, I have to make them for me.
I know deep down that the decisions I'm making are not making me feel good, and I know that for a fact, theres no way of talking myself out of it. I know what power this has over my life. Now that I'm finally gathering my thoughts I can set goals for myself that aren't just materialistic, like saving money, and loosing weight, and getting a job. Those things will come, if I can invest the time into myself to work on these goals:
- Practice mindfulness. Don't retreat into that hole/ dark place, be present, recognise when you're faced with a decision.
- Don't be afraid of hard work. Life isn't especially cruel to you, everyone else is as real as you are and everyone else has their own demons to face.
- Listen to your body. If you're tired, sleep. If you're hungry, eat. This is your one and only, huring your body will hurt your mind. Be good to yourself.
- Don't make decisions out of fear.
- Don't make decisions for superficial happiness.
- Remain faithful to yourself, you are stronger than you think.
I want to gain my confidence back, I want to get out of life what I deserve, and I don't deserve to be fucking myself up anymore. I am worthy of a much much better life, and its entirely up to me.
I'm talking about how everyone else has agency over the decisions I make.
I just want to fly off the grid, work on myself, so that when I re-emerge, people won't see the me that I present myself as on social media, but they will see an actual me. It's naive of me to say that my current routine is working, that I'm on some path of self- discovery and that everything is justifiable because I'm young and mistakes will be made but at least I'm still growing.
But I'm not growing, not at all. I'm at a complete stand still. I'm not working on myself I'm working on my image, because after all, all that matters to me is what people see not whats actually going on. In fact it might actually be safe to say that I'm going backwards. I'm retreating into my little black whole where theres gratifying instant euphoria and devastating consequences. But once you're in there, every decision you make is blurred by that darkness, you can't see the outside world properly, so it doesn't matter.
Someone teach me how to not be a push over, how to stand up for myself and what I believe in. And not let this darkness override my decisions. I need to start doing my own thing and living my own life, its emotionally taxing when you live by the rules and mantras of someone else, or everyone else. I sound like I'm blaming the world and not myself, but I'm a part of it. A part of this egotistical game of self- destruction that everyones trying to win.
Someone teach me how to just straight up say no, but I'm always wary of how that might make someone feel. I constantly worry about how the consequences affect everyone else, and not myself, because as long as I can keep them happy and free from conflict, then thats fine. I just wish I didn't have to care so much about what other people think.
When I make decisions I need to learn to make them for myself, putting my own needs first rather than that of others. Truthfully, no body else cares. I think thats the realisation that's inspired my latest personal quest, no one cares how I spent my saturday night, or my sunday morning. No one cares what drugs I did or how much I fucked myself up. People don't need to know all about the decisions I make, because I'm not making them for everyone else, I have to make them for me.
I know deep down that the decisions I'm making are not making me feel good, and I know that for a fact, theres no way of talking myself out of it. I know what power this has over my life. Now that I'm finally gathering my thoughts I can set goals for myself that aren't just materialistic, like saving money, and loosing weight, and getting a job. Those things will come, if I can invest the time into myself to work on these goals:
- Practice mindfulness. Don't retreat into that hole/ dark place, be present, recognise when you're faced with a decision.
- Don't be afraid of hard work. Life isn't especially cruel to you, everyone else is as real as you are and everyone else has their own demons to face.
- Listen to your body. If you're tired, sleep. If you're hungry, eat. This is your one and only, huring your body will hurt your mind. Be good to yourself.
- Don't make decisions out of fear.
- Don't make decisions for superficial happiness.
- Remain faithful to yourself, you are stronger than you think.
I want to gain my confidence back, I want to get out of life what I deserve, and I don't deserve to be fucking myself up anymore. I am worthy of a much much better life, and its entirely up to me.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
bipolar
I was so excited to go home all day, back to the flat, back to my happy place. So why is it that as soon as I walk in the doors to the airport I immediately want to cry. And I did I actually cried, I had to hide in the bathroom. My brain is moving one million miles a minute and I can't keep up even with my own thoughts. I bought a book, I've been meaning to read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest ever since we watched it for AS psychology. I just needed something to distract me and the airport wifi only lets you log in for half an hour a day.
I don't know why I feel so sad, I can't explain it in any way other than the fact that I'm just having a really really hard time being human. I think it is really hard to be a human. You have all these expectations and intentions written for you from the minute you were born. There are so many things you have to juggle in order to simply be a functioning human.
I think thats all I felt in that moment. Have you ever experienced that? A moment in time when every other feeling or sensations suddenly become numb, and all you can feel is this one overwhelming presenting concern. It takes over your mind momentarily, when everything becomes blurry. I didn't want to get on that plane but I couldn't sit forever in the dully lit gate lounge, so I panicked, naturally.
A few days later and I'm feeling pretty content. It being the first day back at uni I feel I should be more apprehensive, strangely I feel really happy. Yes, I got stoned but I don't think that has anything to do with my over all sense of contentment. I lost my headphones so I had to sit on the bus in silence, usually this would stress me the fuck out but today I genuinely enjoyed my bus trip. It was busier than usual, but that didn't bother me. I felt independent for some reason, like for once everything felt some what in alignment. Its the first day of my period too, so I'm surprised I don't hate myself more. Maybe its in the stars, maybe my moon and my stars just fall in to place for me at the moment. I know I couldn't stay here forever, in this contentment. But it's nice to just be at peace with everything for a moment.
How my mental state can go from one extreme to another like this, I have no idea.
I don't know why I feel so sad, I can't explain it in any way other than the fact that I'm just having a really really hard time being human. I think it is really hard to be a human. You have all these expectations and intentions written for you from the minute you were born. There are so many things you have to juggle in order to simply be a functioning human.
I think thats all I felt in that moment. Have you ever experienced that? A moment in time when every other feeling or sensations suddenly become numb, and all you can feel is this one overwhelming presenting concern. It takes over your mind momentarily, when everything becomes blurry. I didn't want to get on that plane but I couldn't sit forever in the dully lit gate lounge, so I panicked, naturally.
A few days later and I'm feeling pretty content. It being the first day back at uni I feel I should be more apprehensive, strangely I feel really happy. Yes, I got stoned but I don't think that has anything to do with my over all sense of contentment. I lost my headphones so I had to sit on the bus in silence, usually this would stress me the fuck out but today I genuinely enjoyed my bus trip. It was busier than usual, but that didn't bother me. I felt independent for some reason, like for once everything felt some what in alignment. Its the first day of my period too, so I'm surprised I don't hate myself more. Maybe its in the stars, maybe my moon and my stars just fall in to place for me at the moment. I know I couldn't stay here forever, in this contentment. But it's nice to just be at peace with everything for a moment.
How my mental state can go from one extreme to another like this, I have no idea.
Monday, August 29, 2016
home is where the heart is
I've been back at my parents the last few days, refusing to call this place 'home' because home is where the heart is, and my heart is somewhere else.
Thursday I woke up earlier than usual, but my morning started like it usually would. I showered, wrapped myself in my dressing gown and my hair in a towel, and sat myself by the window for my first helping of nicotine and caffeine. I enjoy my lonely mornings by the window. I like the people-watching and the crisp air and just the overall feeling of composure. I know what to do in this place, I know how to breathe in and out, how bring my mug to my lips and sip.
I knew this calm would be short-lived because I had a lot of mess to clean up before I left for the airport. I was nervous about going home for obvious reasons. I had missed my initial flight home earlier in the week simply because I refused to get on the plane after a few heated phone calls with my mother. Dad re-booked me a flight home the next day after they had found out about my "drug-use". Needless to say anxiety levels were through the roof, so I had a couple of cones before I left for the airport.
I sobered up after a nap on the plane, but the car ride home with dad wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I think he genuinely trusts me, which is good, we get a long a lot easier. Thats why we have productive conversations, because he actually believes the things I say. My mother and I had fought and made up 3 times that night? and fought again the next day a little bit? It's a blur I'll be honest, in the end our conversations just turned into a succession of words we knew would hurt each other.
The next day I left the house and went into the city with a friend, we planned on staying at her family apartment in town that night, we didn't have any other plans, just a loose idea of places we wanted to be and people we wanted to see. Those 24 hours were probably the most carefree I'd been in a few months. Decision making wasn't a thing for me that night, I just did. I just moved, carelessly, happily. I started the night getting stoned and playing chess with strangers and ended the night playing musical hats and drinking tea with another group of strangers in an entirely different part of the city. I even ended up at the airport at one point, with a boy who I knew but had never met before. It was fun to pretend I was no one, a wiped clean slate, I had no intentions, I had no consequences. I had no history and no future.
I spent about 6 hours trying to get home on Saturday and once I did I crashed. Drew myself a bath, opened a bottle of wine and set myself up for Netflix and drunk tindering. My parents were away for the night which was literally a god send, I couldn't face them after the night I'd had.
I slept easy, the next day was warm and kind. My grandma came over, I cooked her breakfast and we talked about what is is that makes us who we are. Our minds/bodies/souls ect. She kept asking me how questions of philosophy related to ideas of Christianity but I couldn't answer them. To me anyways, they are two completely different things.
Over the weekend I caught up with a few of my friends I hadn't seen since even before I moved back down. It was actually really helpful to have conversations with people I wouldn't usually. I talked about things that wouldn't come up in my own stream of thoughts. But, of course it has been faaaar too long since I last had a cone, I'm craving like I never have before. It's been weird being sober for so long, it's almost like I don't know how to act anymore, like when I talk to my parents I'm just giving the best impression of myself I can. Its like I can't relax, my fingers constantly have to be moving; my mind has to be occupied by something or it suddenly feels like theres a black whole in my chest and the rest of my body is slipping in to it. But thats only when I'm not distracted, and I try to keep myself busy.
I'm flying home tonight and I couldn't be happier. It's so relieving knowing that tonight will be normal again; I'll be in my flatmates room, we'll be in bed together - listening to music or watching youtube videos, enjoying our highs and each-other's company.
Thursday I woke up earlier than usual, but my morning started like it usually would. I showered, wrapped myself in my dressing gown and my hair in a towel, and sat myself by the window for my first helping of nicotine and caffeine. I enjoy my lonely mornings by the window. I like the people-watching and the crisp air and just the overall feeling of composure. I know what to do in this place, I know how to breathe in and out, how bring my mug to my lips and sip.
I knew this calm would be short-lived because I had a lot of mess to clean up before I left for the airport. I was nervous about going home for obvious reasons. I had missed my initial flight home earlier in the week simply because I refused to get on the plane after a few heated phone calls with my mother. Dad re-booked me a flight home the next day after they had found out about my "drug-use". Needless to say anxiety levels were through the roof, so I had a couple of cones before I left for the airport.
I sobered up after a nap on the plane, but the car ride home with dad wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I think he genuinely trusts me, which is good, we get a long a lot easier. Thats why we have productive conversations, because he actually believes the things I say. My mother and I had fought and made up 3 times that night? and fought again the next day a little bit? It's a blur I'll be honest, in the end our conversations just turned into a succession of words we knew would hurt each other.
The next day I left the house and went into the city with a friend, we planned on staying at her family apartment in town that night, we didn't have any other plans, just a loose idea of places we wanted to be and people we wanted to see. Those 24 hours were probably the most carefree I'd been in a few months. Decision making wasn't a thing for me that night, I just did. I just moved, carelessly, happily. I started the night getting stoned and playing chess with strangers and ended the night playing musical hats and drinking tea with another group of strangers in an entirely different part of the city. I even ended up at the airport at one point, with a boy who I knew but had never met before. It was fun to pretend I was no one, a wiped clean slate, I had no intentions, I had no consequences. I had no history and no future.
I spent about 6 hours trying to get home on Saturday and once I did I crashed. Drew myself a bath, opened a bottle of wine and set myself up for Netflix and drunk tindering. My parents were away for the night which was literally a god send, I couldn't face them after the night I'd had.
I slept easy, the next day was warm and kind. My grandma came over, I cooked her breakfast and we talked about what is is that makes us who we are. Our minds/bodies/souls ect. She kept asking me how questions of philosophy related to ideas of Christianity but I couldn't answer them. To me anyways, they are two completely different things.
Over the weekend I caught up with a few of my friends I hadn't seen since even before I moved back down. It was actually really helpful to have conversations with people I wouldn't usually. I talked about things that wouldn't come up in my own stream of thoughts. But, of course it has been faaaar too long since I last had a cone, I'm craving like I never have before. It's been weird being sober for so long, it's almost like I don't know how to act anymore, like when I talk to my parents I'm just giving the best impression of myself I can. Its like I can't relax, my fingers constantly have to be moving; my mind has to be occupied by something or it suddenly feels like theres a black whole in my chest and the rest of my body is slipping in to it. But thats only when I'm not distracted, and I try to keep myself busy.
I'm flying home tonight and I couldn't be happier. It's so relieving knowing that tonight will be normal again; I'll be in my flatmates room, we'll be in bed together - listening to music or watching youtube videos, enjoying our highs and each-other's company.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
what about my freedom?
I mentioned before how easy it is to justify everything, and how its ultimately making me feel content with my life as it currently is.
I've been questioning this recently, what is is that makes me feel so comforted yet entirely uncomfortable at the same time. But I've been feeling so uninspired.
I wanted to talk about the phrase "everything happens for a reason", which I've wholeheartedly believed for a long time. Doesn't this mean that everything thats going to happen, has already been predetermined by some laws of nature? And where does that leave me?
I do suppose that everything thats happened in my life so far has made me the person I am today. This is to say, that in 10 years I'll be a person made up of a collection of entirely new experiences, but does this mean I'd still be the same person? What I'm trying not to do is question who I am, but rather whats in store for me. If everything happens for a reason, does that make everything reasonable?
If our "path" in life can already be explained, actually, if our whole world can be explained by a series and collaboration of smaller affairs; hypothetically, if I knew everything there was to know about the world, then I would know at every moment what is going to happen next.
I am definitely not an advocate for science as a way of explaining everything there is to know in the world, thats too simple for me. There has to be ways of explaining things like our minds and our conscious and our destinies that involves something over and above our physical selves. The notion that everything that happens in our lives has in some way already been established, leaves no room for freedom. What about my free will? The decisions I make?
We are not a result of laws and rules put in place by the natural world. We are special. Ultimately, we reason, we make decisions, we take responsibility. We act freely and because of that we can feel. I wouldn't be able to feel proud of myself, or feel ashamed or guilty. I do experience these emotions, I feel certain ways about things because I know I play the supreme role in my own life.
I cannot tell whether leaving the path of my life up to unwritten rules is comforting or not. But it is important to know that we are different from the natural world, we are not just another animal driven by instinct. Part of the reason we think we are free is because we have the experience of making choices. Surely, up until the exact moment you make a decision, you still have a choice, it could go either way. If this is the case then the past remains the same and each decision you make is compatible with it. In order to make sense of our decisions, you have to believe the past doesn't determine what we do.
You have to believe the universe is compatible with you turning left, and the universe is compatible with you turning right.
Okay I know we're going somewhere much too philosophical for a Wednesday morning, but I wanted to address something along the lines of determinism and free will. You could say, I made that decision because that is something I wanted to do, based on a set of internal states. There is a theory that that states: within us we have a bunch of different urges all fighting against each other, and what you do is determined by whatever urge is the strongest. I have to question whether this actually is genuine freedom. If this turns out to be true then are we actually free?
You might be in situations where your desires will push you one way, but to act freely, you have to be able to do things in spite of your desires because they "make sense". If my desires don't make me do something, then what does it mean for me to do it? Whats left? ME. Not my character, upbringing, desires or circumstances (they are parts of me), but when I make a decision, I make it.
I am not something that happens, I am a person, I can make things happen. I can cause the events of the universe to change, but that doesn't mean I am an event of the universe. You are not controlled by events of the past, or your desires or by events that occur in the universe, you stand apart from these things. You are just you. What we are committed to, by virtue of our own nature, is to be free.
We are a little bit like Gods, if you think about it. We are movers and can make things happen but not just because some other force moves us. Take Aristotle, "A staff moves a stone, which is moved by a hand, which is moved by a man."
I can safely refute the common phrase "everything happens for a reason". It is troubling to realise the extent to which we have completely agency we have over our own lives. I think this is why some people choose to believe that everything happens for a reason.
I've been questioning this recently, what is is that makes me feel so comforted yet entirely uncomfortable at the same time. But I've been feeling so uninspired.
I wanted to talk about the phrase "everything happens for a reason", which I've wholeheartedly believed for a long time. Doesn't this mean that everything thats going to happen, has already been predetermined by some laws of nature? And where does that leave me?
I do suppose that everything thats happened in my life so far has made me the person I am today. This is to say, that in 10 years I'll be a person made up of a collection of entirely new experiences, but does this mean I'd still be the same person? What I'm trying not to do is question who I am, but rather whats in store for me. If everything happens for a reason, does that make everything reasonable?
If our "path" in life can already be explained, actually, if our whole world can be explained by a series and collaboration of smaller affairs; hypothetically, if I knew everything there was to know about the world, then I would know at every moment what is going to happen next.
I am definitely not an advocate for science as a way of explaining everything there is to know in the world, thats too simple for me. There has to be ways of explaining things like our minds and our conscious and our destinies that involves something over and above our physical selves. The notion that everything that happens in our lives has in some way already been established, leaves no room for freedom. What about my free will? The decisions I make?
We are not a result of laws and rules put in place by the natural world. We are special. Ultimately, we reason, we make decisions, we take responsibility. We act freely and because of that we can feel. I wouldn't be able to feel proud of myself, or feel ashamed or guilty. I do experience these emotions, I feel certain ways about things because I know I play the supreme role in my own life.
I cannot tell whether leaving the path of my life up to unwritten rules is comforting or not. But it is important to know that we are different from the natural world, we are not just another animal driven by instinct. Part of the reason we think we are free is because we have the experience of making choices. Surely, up until the exact moment you make a decision, you still have a choice, it could go either way. If this is the case then the past remains the same and each decision you make is compatible with it. In order to make sense of our decisions, you have to believe the past doesn't determine what we do.
You have to believe the universe is compatible with you turning left, and the universe is compatible with you turning right.
Okay I know we're going somewhere much too philosophical for a Wednesday morning, but I wanted to address something along the lines of determinism and free will. You could say, I made that decision because that is something I wanted to do, based on a set of internal states. There is a theory that that states: within us we have a bunch of different urges all fighting against each other, and what you do is determined by whatever urge is the strongest. I have to question whether this actually is genuine freedom. If this turns out to be true then are we actually free?
You might be in situations where your desires will push you one way, but to act freely, you have to be able to do things in spite of your desires because they "make sense". If my desires don't make me do something, then what does it mean for me to do it? Whats left? ME. Not my character, upbringing, desires or circumstances (they are parts of me), but when I make a decision, I make it.
I am not something that happens, I am a person, I can make things happen. I can cause the events of the universe to change, but that doesn't mean I am an event of the universe. You are not controlled by events of the past, or your desires or by events that occur in the universe, you stand apart from these things. You are just you. What we are committed to, by virtue of our own nature, is to be free.
We are a little bit like Gods, if you think about it. We are movers and can make things happen but not just because some other force moves us. Take Aristotle, "A staff moves a stone, which is moved by a hand, which is moved by a man."
I can safely refute the common phrase "everything happens for a reason". It is troubling to realise the extent to which we have completely agency we have over our own lives. I think this is why some people choose to believe that everything happens for a reason.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
zombies
The last few days I've been feeling like an actual zombie.
Not a zombie in the "I'm going to eat your brains" sense, but in the philosophical sense. Which is ironic, because I spent the entire morning writing about the conceivability of philosophical zombies in regard to consciousness. I'll explain...
I picture two persons, both myself, both physically identical in every way. Except zombie me is not conscious, zombie me is producing outputs in response to inputs but is not consciously aware. Its like I've just been working off a written set of rules programmed into my brain. I've not been feeling or understanding, I've just been doing.
Which is good and bad, I'm a lot less stressed. But I think thats because I've actually been getting work done. I almost found it easier just to exhaust myself, so at the end of the day I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to feel things, this contributes partly to the mentality of zombie me. I think thats why I haven't been able to write either, I haven't been in touch conscious and sub-conscious mind.
The reason why this weighed heavily on my mind, we're currently covering consciousness and intentionality in philosophy. Every time I'm in class I literally do the deepest most intense internalising of my behaviour and my nature, I hate it and I love it.
Coming out of this zombie like state, I feel like I need to figure out what I like again. What makes me feel things, what makes me happy and what makes me sad. Bizarrely, the only thing I can think of that makes me happy is also the thing that makes me sad. The only thing I can think of right now that makes me feel things is also the thing that numbs me. Paradoxical, I realise, I'm literally a walking enigma.
For now, since I've been in this state for almost a week now, I feel fine. I feel like I shouldn't feel fine, but I do. I genuinely feel fine with what I'm doing to by body and my mind even though I have knowledge of the consequences. I've said this before, everything becomes even more justifiable the deeper you get.
I'm just a complicated, starving, contented zombie.
Not a zombie in the "I'm going to eat your brains" sense, but in the philosophical sense. Which is ironic, because I spent the entire morning writing about the conceivability of philosophical zombies in regard to consciousness. I'll explain...
I picture two persons, both myself, both physically identical in every way. Except zombie me is not conscious, zombie me is producing outputs in response to inputs but is not consciously aware. Its like I've just been working off a written set of rules programmed into my brain. I've not been feeling or understanding, I've just been doing.
Which is good and bad, I'm a lot less stressed. But I think thats because I've actually been getting work done. I almost found it easier just to exhaust myself, so at the end of the day I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to feel things, this contributes partly to the mentality of zombie me. I think thats why I haven't been able to write either, I haven't been in touch conscious and sub-conscious mind.
The reason why this weighed heavily on my mind, we're currently covering consciousness and intentionality in philosophy. Every time I'm in class I literally do the deepest most intense internalising of my behaviour and my nature, I hate it and I love it.
Coming out of this zombie like state, I feel like I need to figure out what I like again. What makes me feel things, what makes me happy and what makes me sad. Bizarrely, the only thing I can think of that makes me happy is also the thing that makes me sad. The only thing I can think of right now that makes me feel things is also the thing that numbs me. Paradoxical, I realise, I'm literally a walking enigma.
For now, since I've been in this state for almost a week now, I feel fine. I feel like I shouldn't feel fine, but I do. I genuinely feel fine with what I'm doing to by body and my mind even though I have knowledge of the consequences. I've said this before, everything becomes even more justifiable the deeper you get.
I'm just a complicated, starving, contented zombie.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
the girl who lost it
Yesterday was probably also one of the worst days of my life. I got high pretty early, the earliest I ever had. I spent the entire time questioning who I am, where I am, what I'm doing and where I'm going.
I was having some pretty haunting thoughts, but I also realised a lot about myself I hadn't ever noticed before. Maybe I'm not as part of anything as I thought I was? I'm not part of 'the group' or any groups for that matter. I suddenly feel extremely self conscious and tense. Maybe I'm the outcast, the weird one that people talk about behind their back. I'm constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks, how other people perceive me; my reputation. I KNOW exactly what I did to my reputation last year, and apparently my slutty-demeanor still hasn't worn off, I don't know why I expected it to. I can lose all the weight I want, ditch the drugs and alcohol, but there was still the year that I fucked 20 people so thats what currently defines me. I was the girl who lost it, sort of got it back, but is currently losing it again.
There is a whole array of complicated and tangled reasons why I did the things I did, and needless to say outsiders wouldn't understand. The thing is, last year,when my Wellington peers were getting to know me, I was someone who was completely not myself. It was like I was battling with myself, a kind of cognitive dissonance. It was a fight between potentials. The person I knew I needed to be and a the person I knew I was becoming. This mental contest caused me to act upon the physical world in ways that were destructive to my friends, my body and my environment. As much as I try to put that year behind me, it still sits on my shoulders with the weight of the world.
I thought over summer I had changed and I definitely have, the way I see the world is completely different. It just turns out I'm not as much of a "new and improved" version of myself as I thought. I want to be a new person, but I'm just not. I'm still the same person, I'm still faced with the same decisions and the same consequences. Up until this point, since I moved back down it is clear that I have been thinking. I had been more aware of myself and the decisions I face, therefore I was able to maintain a balance between the good and the bad, the productive and the destructive. Now my vision is a bit more foggy, I'm not thinking clearly and I'm getting caught up in the 'dream world' I was consumed in last year. I know I say this a lot, but I'm scared. I don't want to put myself through that again, or anyone for that matter. I ruined friendships last year, I fucked people over, I fucked my parents over. I don't want to be that person!!
I need to find myself again, I may not know who I am just yet but I know this isn't me.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
life in colour
I think I actually uttered the words, "It's a beautiful day" on the bus this morning.
It's raining again, and freezing cold, the perfect day to be inside. I'm hoping this makes me more productive. I forced myself to get to uni for my earlier class so that I'd have to be up here for longer, I'm hoping that means I get more work done. I have a bucket load of things to do today.
My bus ride this morning was peaceful for once, I think I'm actually coming to enjoy bus rides. Especially at that time of the day, the sun still isn't quite up and all the street lights are on. Theres endless amounts of people walking up and down the streets, I love people watching, and the 7:33am number 23 is the best place for people watching. I liked that it was raining this morning, the cloud cover was so heavy there was no sign of the sun, depressing I know, but actually very calming. Rain drops on a window has always reminded me of a delicate piano piece, perhaps Gymnopédie No. 1. How can you not be calm when you're in that moment. The street lights and office lights and traffic lights were blurred by the falling raining and the condensation forming on the bus window; much like a piece of art.
There was a man on the bus this morning who initially freaked me out. He was big and burley and had a grey moustache. He was sitting opposite me and I could feel his eyes burning straight into the side of my face. I was feeling self conscious and sweaty, when I worked up the nerve to turn and face him he was smiling and making silly faces. Not at me but at the baby sitting in front of me. In the end I started giggling, the baby was giggling, the mum was giggling and so was he. It was like taking a deep breath in and out, it felt good, refreshing and vitalising. I took myself back a bit, was I actually experiencing significance in a such a simple moment?
Call me crazy, I'm actually really content right now. I'm seeing beauty in today, in the rain and wind and grey clouds. I got a piccolo from the coffee shop. Its like a miniature latte. I've never been much of a coffee drinker but the cute boy who works there has gotten me into it. How could I say no to the cutest little takeaway coffee cup? Also any excuse to make small talk about the weather with an attractive male is never a bad thing.
So my confidence is boosted today. Hopefully I'll get a lot of work done, although I can't see myself doing much after finishing an eight hour day. Gym was on the cards, but if I have to walk home in the rain I might not want to leave again. But I hope it stays rainy. Rain is really working for me today.
I was having a lot of deep moments last night. I wish I actually wrote some of those thoughts down. I just want to be creative and vibrant and complex, I want to see life in colour. A little while ago, last year when I was going through a similar predicament, I wrote a passage about how I had a strong desire to write, but nothing to write about because I saw the world in a far too simple way. Trying to stay in touch with the unconventional side of me is a struggle. But as I've mentioned before, staying in-touch with my inner self will help me stay on top of myself, in control even. If I can control whats going on inside myself then surely I can control whats going on on the outside? Today I've made some movements on that intention: ie the man on the bus and the colours I saw on a very grey bus ride this morning.
Anyways it's Monday, I have a lot to do, and I'm ready to start going through the motions.
It's raining again, and freezing cold, the perfect day to be inside. I'm hoping this makes me more productive. I forced myself to get to uni for my earlier class so that I'd have to be up here for longer, I'm hoping that means I get more work done. I have a bucket load of things to do today.
My bus ride this morning was peaceful for once, I think I'm actually coming to enjoy bus rides. Especially at that time of the day, the sun still isn't quite up and all the street lights are on. Theres endless amounts of people walking up and down the streets, I love people watching, and the 7:33am number 23 is the best place for people watching. I liked that it was raining this morning, the cloud cover was so heavy there was no sign of the sun, depressing I know, but actually very calming. Rain drops on a window has always reminded me of a delicate piano piece, perhaps Gymnopédie No. 1. How can you not be calm when you're in that moment. The street lights and office lights and traffic lights were blurred by the falling raining and the condensation forming on the bus window; much like a piece of art.
There was a man on the bus this morning who initially freaked me out. He was big and burley and had a grey moustache. He was sitting opposite me and I could feel his eyes burning straight into the side of my face. I was feeling self conscious and sweaty, when I worked up the nerve to turn and face him he was smiling and making silly faces. Not at me but at the baby sitting in front of me. In the end I started giggling, the baby was giggling, the mum was giggling and so was he. It was like taking a deep breath in and out, it felt good, refreshing and vitalising. I took myself back a bit, was I actually experiencing significance in a such a simple moment?
Call me crazy, I'm actually really content right now. I'm seeing beauty in today, in the rain and wind and grey clouds. I got a piccolo from the coffee shop. Its like a miniature latte. I've never been much of a coffee drinker but the cute boy who works there has gotten me into it. How could I say no to the cutest little takeaway coffee cup? Also any excuse to make small talk about the weather with an attractive male is never a bad thing.
So my confidence is boosted today. Hopefully I'll get a lot of work done, although I can't see myself doing much after finishing an eight hour day. Gym was on the cards, but if I have to walk home in the rain I might not want to leave again. But I hope it stays rainy. Rain is really working for me today.
I was having a lot of deep moments last night. I wish I actually wrote some of those thoughts down. I just want to be creative and vibrant and complex, I want to see life in colour. A little while ago, last year when I was going through a similar predicament, I wrote a passage about how I had a strong desire to write, but nothing to write about because I saw the world in a far too simple way. Trying to stay in touch with the unconventional side of me is a struggle. But as I've mentioned before, staying in-touch with my inner self will help me stay on top of myself, in control even. If I can control whats going on inside myself then surely I can control whats going on on the outside? Today I've made some movements on that intention: ie the man on the bus and the colours I saw on a very grey bus ride this morning.
Anyways it's Monday, I have a lot to do, and I'm ready to start going through the motions.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
todays anxiety
It's 12:45 on Sunday afternoon, I'm just getting ready to leave for work.
I'm trying to be positive about it by telling myself it'll go quick. It might be a nice time to just put my headphones in, stick my head down and focus on my work. Which might be a nice idea, if I hadn't already spent the morning spring cleaning my room, and if my flatmate wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon getting high and laying in bed. That's all I want to do. I'm going to uber to work, and possibly uber back. My anxiety is just not at a level where I could safely get on a bus, and its raining too, so that complicates things.
I am feeling better about today though, I didn't go to the gym like I had planned. But I woke up early-ish, did my laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming and I had a really good clean out of my desk. So there is something I can celebrate today. I also planned out every day this week, hour to hour of everything I need to get done. My week ahead is long and intense, and literally terrifying.
Honestly, I amaze myself at how quick I am to make a decision. From about 8am today, my mindset had been clear - that I was going to set myself up for a productive, positive week. But from about 12pm (once my flatmate asked me if I wanted to buy more weed), my mindset has been - when can I get back into bed?
Its surprising that the smallest things that go wrong set me off into a spiral of anxiety. For example:
Me: proud because I've figured out a way to hang my mirror on my wall
Me 20 mins later: depressed and upset and unwilling to do anything else with today because my DIY failed.
The thought of four hours of cleaning now is stressing me out to the max. Thats a long time to be away from home and my safe haven. What's worse even, is that the only motivation I have right now is the money I'll make to support my drug addiction. I hate that thought, brings me right back to last year: spending the last few dollars I can scrape up on something to get me high or drunk. It's stupid because I genuinely have so much I need to spend money on this week and next week, but I struggle to plan for the future. Why? I couldn't answer right now, that question poses a whole lot more philosophical questions, and I definitely don't have the time or the energy to open that can of worms.
It's 1:00 on Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving for work.
I'm trying to be positive about it by telling myself it'll go quick. It might be a nice time to just put my headphones in, stick my head down and focus on my work. Which might be a nice idea, if I hadn't already spent the morning spring cleaning my room, and if my flatmate wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon getting high and laying in bed. That's all I want to do. I'm going to uber to work, and possibly uber back. My anxiety is just not at a level where I could safely get on a bus, and its raining too, so that complicates things.
I am feeling better about today though, I didn't go to the gym like I had planned. But I woke up early-ish, did my laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming and I had a really good clean out of my desk. So there is something I can celebrate today. I also planned out every day this week, hour to hour of everything I need to get done. My week ahead is long and intense, and literally terrifying.
Honestly, I amaze myself at how quick I am to make a decision. From about 8am today, my mindset had been clear - that I was going to set myself up for a productive, positive week. But from about 12pm (once my flatmate asked me if I wanted to buy more weed), my mindset has been - when can I get back into bed?
Its surprising that the smallest things that go wrong set me off into a spiral of anxiety. For example:
Me: proud because I've figured out a way to hang my mirror on my wall
Me 20 mins later: depressed and upset and unwilling to do anything else with today because my DIY failed.
The thought of four hours of cleaning now is stressing me out to the max. Thats a long time to be away from home and my safe haven. What's worse even, is that the only motivation I have right now is the money I'll make to support my drug addiction. I hate that thought, brings me right back to last year: spending the last few dollars I can scrape up on something to get me high or drunk. It's stupid because I genuinely have so much I need to spend money on this week and next week, but I struggle to plan for the future. Why? I couldn't answer right now, that question poses a whole lot more philosophical questions, and I definitely don't have the time or the energy to open that can of worms.
It's 1:00 on Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving for work.
Friday, August 5, 2016
i tried
I'm currently at the gym, I figured now is as good a time as any to write down some thoughts.
I'm happy with myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and getting a good workout in before my day starts. I usually start the days pretty optimistic, but then I think, the more tired I get throughout the day, the easier it is for me to give up on being productive and optimistic.
I really want to do something good for myself today. So that when I got into bed tonight I wouldn't hate myself, and I wouldn't feel so filthy. I thought about coming back to the gym later on today, and then having a nice sauna and a shower. That always makes me feel good.
I'm also really happy that I've managed to keep writing when I'm not high. It's harder for me to get in touch this way, because certain thoughts I have only come out when I'm in a dream like state.
My legs are burning, and I want to stop. But the bully in be would make me feel guilty. The bully in me would tell me I may as well just give up and go home to bed and cones. I'm not going to listen to her, I thought. Just as a tester, why don't I actually only do good things for myself today, just to see how it feels.
It's rainy and cold and miserable, but I'm trying to see above it where the sky is blue and happy and warm. I think we should always aim to be there, life is always a lot easier on a sunny day.
I failed of course. The rain is too much for me. I didn't want it to be like this, but somehow I knew it would. I'm just too sad, its crippling. Im sitting up in my bed, under the blankets. Its still raining outside and dusk is settling in. I didn't achieve anything I said I would today. Do you know how long it took me before I gave in? Literally as soon as I walked in the door.
I'm scared, I'm so so scared for tomorrow. And I'm scared for the next day, and the day after that. There are so many hours in each day and an infinite amount of possible moments where things could go wrong, and things could get worse. I really don't want to be getting worse. My mental health has nearly completely deteriorated over the last week, and I can't go back down this path.
When I speak to myself, I can only play it by ear; 'we will see how each day goes and what each day brings'. If I can get things done, then I can be proud of myself.
On monday, I'm going to forget about trying, and just do.
But I'll see how that goes..
I'm happy with myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and getting a good workout in before my day starts. I usually start the days pretty optimistic, but then I think, the more tired I get throughout the day, the easier it is for me to give up on being productive and optimistic.
I really want to do something good for myself today. So that when I got into bed tonight I wouldn't hate myself, and I wouldn't feel so filthy. I thought about coming back to the gym later on today, and then having a nice sauna and a shower. That always makes me feel good.
I'm also really happy that I've managed to keep writing when I'm not high. It's harder for me to get in touch this way, because certain thoughts I have only come out when I'm in a dream like state.
My legs are burning, and I want to stop. But the bully in be would make me feel guilty. The bully in me would tell me I may as well just give up and go home to bed and cones. I'm not going to listen to her, I thought. Just as a tester, why don't I actually only do good things for myself today, just to see how it feels.
It's rainy and cold and miserable, but I'm trying to see above it where the sky is blue and happy and warm. I think we should always aim to be there, life is always a lot easier on a sunny day.
I failed of course. The rain is too much for me. I didn't want it to be like this, but somehow I knew it would. I'm just too sad, its crippling. Im sitting up in my bed, under the blankets. Its still raining outside and dusk is settling in. I didn't achieve anything I said I would today. Do you know how long it took me before I gave in? Literally as soon as I walked in the door.
I'm scared, I'm so so scared for tomorrow. And I'm scared for the next day, and the day after that. There are so many hours in each day and an infinite amount of possible moments where things could go wrong, and things could get worse. I really don't want to be getting worse. My mental health has nearly completely deteriorated over the last week, and I can't go back down this path.
When I speak to myself, I can only play it by ear; 'we will see how each day goes and what each day brings'. If I can get things done, then I can be proud of myself.
On monday, I'm going to forget about trying, and just do.
But I'll see how that goes..
Thursday, August 4, 2016
another intervention
Okay I think its time I got help.
I think I'm going actual crazy again. How has everything become so justifiable all of a sudden? The worst part: I've started to not mind. In fact, I'm welcoming it. I feel so comfortable here.
In my room, on my own.
I can be completely myself. I can listen to the music I actually want to listen to, even though it makes me sad. I can stuff my face full of food and no one will see me. I can stare at my butt in the mirror, and twist my body into shapes to make it look beautiful. I'm sitting here in my bed right now, and I feel so warm inside. I feel so content.
But then for a fleeting moment, reality sinks in. Its this other part of me that realises maybe I'm not normal. Maybe these mental states I slip in and out of are the start of something bad. Part of me knows they are, the other part of me could live here forever.
Its conflicting, I realise that. There is a part of me is content and happy with staying home from uni and the gym on a rainy day. The other part of me is beating herself up for making a poor life decision.
It makes me a very anxious person. I try to say things and do things right, but that stresses me out a lot. As a result I just end up not saying anything, and not doing anything. I end up getting sad.
I've been thinking for the last few days about going to the doctor. They could put me in touch with the same counsellor I had last year. I think I'm reluctant to make an appointment because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm getting sick again. I mean, I'm not bad, definitely not like I was last time. I guess just making an appointment kind of validates those feelings I've been trying to ignore recently. I don't know how to deal with them, but pretending they're not there won't be helping either.
I'll keep you updated
I think I'm going actual crazy again. How has everything become so justifiable all of a sudden? The worst part: I've started to not mind. In fact, I'm welcoming it. I feel so comfortable here.
In my room, on my own.
I can be completely myself. I can listen to the music I actually want to listen to, even though it makes me sad. I can stuff my face full of food and no one will see me. I can stare at my butt in the mirror, and twist my body into shapes to make it look beautiful. I'm sitting here in my bed right now, and I feel so warm inside. I feel so content.
But then for a fleeting moment, reality sinks in. Its this other part of me that realises maybe I'm not normal. Maybe these mental states I slip in and out of are the start of something bad. Part of me knows they are, the other part of me could live here forever.
Its conflicting, I realise that. There is a part of me is content and happy with staying home from uni and the gym on a rainy day. The other part of me is beating herself up for making a poor life decision.
It makes me a very anxious person. I try to say things and do things right, but that stresses me out a lot. As a result I just end up not saying anything, and not doing anything. I end up getting sad.
I've been thinking for the last few days about going to the doctor. They could put me in touch with the same counsellor I had last year. I think I'm reluctant to make an appointment because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm getting sick again. I mean, I'm not bad, definitely not like I was last time. I guess just making an appointment kind of validates those feelings I've been trying to ignore recently. I don't know how to deal with them, but pretending they're not there won't be helping either.
I'll keep you updated
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
hi grandad
Hi Grandad,
I feel like its been a while since we last spoke. Actually I can't even believe how long its been.
A lot has changed. I got offered that job at the Pullman, but I quit after my first day because I just couldn't handle it. I didn't realise it then but I had a whole lot more work to do to get myself better.
And I'm still not completely 100% better, but thats okay I don't think everyones perfectly okay all of the time.
But yeah, I'm back at uni. Things are going really great (with the exception of the last few days, but I'll get to that) I'm taking a philosophy paper and I loooooove it. Of course I straight away want to change my major; I can just see myself in 10 years sitting in a little apartment writing genuine philosophical essays for a journal. I've also been taking really good care of myself. I'm really enjoying the gym, I've gotten really into weightlifting and body building, I wish you could see how much my body has changed. You'd probably think I was a new person.
I think about that often actually, that your last memories were of a version of me that was very sad. That person feels so far from me. She was completely different to who I am now. She was lifeless and wretched. I wish I made those moments count for more.
I think you'd be proud of me. I'm trying really hard to hold it together, though I think the stress is getting to me and its making me more anxious than normal. Its getting harder to be passionate about life, at least the last few days anyway.
The last few days I haven't been taking very good care of myself, and ultimately its made me feel really down. I just needed to talk to you, I need to remind myself of one particular moment in the hospital. Everyone left so you and I could chat privately, and you held my hand. I cant remember the words specifically but you told me that I'm worthy. That I am beautiful and talented and can get so much from the world if I just believed in myself. That I am hard working, and honest and genuine, and I deserve to be happy. I have to think back on to that moment in the hospital from time to time, to keep me grounded. No one has ever sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me those things.
You are a large part of my motivation, I feel like I just needed to touch base with you and reintroduce you to my life. I want to keep making you proud every day.
So thats what I'm going to do.
Lots of love,
From Anna
I feel like its been a while since we last spoke. Actually I can't even believe how long its been.
A lot has changed. I got offered that job at the Pullman, but I quit after my first day because I just couldn't handle it. I didn't realise it then but I had a whole lot more work to do to get myself better.
And I'm still not completely 100% better, but thats okay I don't think everyones perfectly okay all of the time.
But yeah, I'm back at uni. Things are going really great (with the exception of the last few days, but I'll get to that) I'm taking a philosophy paper and I loooooove it. Of course I straight away want to change my major; I can just see myself in 10 years sitting in a little apartment writing genuine philosophical essays for a journal. I've also been taking really good care of myself. I'm really enjoying the gym, I've gotten really into weightlifting and body building, I wish you could see how much my body has changed. You'd probably think I was a new person.
I think about that often actually, that your last memories were of a version of me that was very sad. That person feels so far from me. She was completely different to who I am now. She was lifeless and wretched. I wish I made those moments count for more.
I think you'd be proud of me. I'm trying really hard to hold it together, though I think the stress is getting to me and its making me more anxious than normal. Its getting harder to be passionate about life, at least the last few days anyway.
The last few days I haven't been taking very good care of myself, and ultimately its made me feel really down. I just needed to talk to you, I need to remind myself of one particular moment in the hospital. Everyone left so you and I could chat privately, and you held my hand. I cant remember the words specifically but you told me that I'm worthy. That I am beautiful and talented and can get so much from the world if I just believed in myself. That I am hard working, and honest and genuine, and I deserve to be happy. I have to think back on to that moment in the hospital from time to time, to keep me grounded. No one has ever sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me those things.
You are a large part of my motivation, I feel like I just needed to touch base with you and reintroduce you to my life. I want to keep making you proud every day.
So thats what I'm going to do.
Lots of love,
From Anna
why im always afraid (short version)
I can easily say that I live in constant fear.
All of the decisions I make, I make out of fear for consequences. However, I couldn't say exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I'm just always afraid of something.
I keep calling interventions for myself. I keep looking in the mirror speaking but no ones listening. Theres no one on the receiving end. All there is is the version of me that knows what to say.
I know what to say but I don't want to listen. I can keep speaking to myself, saying things like "you know what to do, Anna" and "take control of your life", but I won't respond back.
And I already hate myself. The self doubt is already creeping back in, and I'm starting to shut down. I know this feeling exactly, I've been here before. This what scares me. It is the underlying attribute that has complete control over my life and my decisions. The weaker I get the more my decision making deteriorates. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a cycle and I'm walking a slippery slope.
I see it in my mind as a dense black mass, this fundamental attribute of mine. It definitely scares me. At this point I don't know what I need to do to penetrate it.
I have decided to take a different standpoint. Its not working for me: reciting motivational quotes over and over in my head. I could say those words all I like and they still wouldn't hold any more validity. Instead, in order to attempt to penetrate a doubtful and sombre version of myself, I will practice becoming more in touch with my mind. The more I know about myself, the more I can start to pick off the pieces I don't need. The ugly grapes of the bunch. Because I know where this mindset is taking me, and I don't plan on going back there ever again.
Thats all really.
All of the decisions I make, I make out of fear for consequences. However, I couldn't say exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I'm just always afraid of something.
I keep calling interventions for myself. I keep looking in the mirror speaking but no ones listening. Theres no one on the receiving end. All there is is the version of me that knows what to say.
I know what to say but I don't want to listen. I can keep speaking to myself, saying things like "you know what to do, Anna" and "take control of your life", but I won't respond back.
And I already hate myself. The self doubt is already creeping back in, and I'm starting to shut down. I know this feeling exactly, I've been here before. This what scares me. It is the underlying attribute that has complete control over my life and my decisions. The weaker I get the more my decision making deteriorates. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a cycle and I'm walking a slippery slope.
I see it in my mind as a dense black mass, this fundamental attribute of mine. It definitely scares me. At this point I don't know what I need to do to penetrate it.
I have decided to take a different standpoint. Its not working for me: reciting motivational quotes over and over in my head. I could say those words all I like and they still wouldn't hold any more validity. Instead, in order to attempt to penetrate a doubtful and sombre version of myself, I will practice becoming more in touch with my mind. The more I know about myself, the more I can start to pick off the pieces I don't need. The ugly grapes of the bunch. Because I know where this mindset is taking me, and I don't plan on going back there ever again.
Thats all really.
Monday, February 29, 2016
The jewel of life
THE JEWEL OF LIFE
The greatest of human freedoms is the ability to choose, at any moment, the palette of our emotional sky. We alone activate the very energy and emotion through which we experience life. If we wish to feel joy and gratitude in our lives, then we must direct our beliefs and behaviours in order to accomplish that end. And we must do it constantly, with such force and repetition that those emotions become the hues of our daily attitude. This is not easy work, but let it be our mission.
Perhaps the severest requirement of the good life is to have the constancy of mind to maintain our joy and gratitude even amid hardship, pain, and injustice.
But let out own minds decide what is real and what is possible for us. Let out own eyes see among the bored and battered faces a starkly different, brighter lot. There are those whose faces are so alight with life that they serve as a blinding reminder, amid the darkness of our time, that joy and charisma and hope still exist. These are the energisers, the cheerful individuals who inspire and enliven those around them even though their own backgrounds, genetics, and environments would give cause for them to be apathetic and detached. They too, might have come from a broken home or poverty. But instead of choosing bitterness, they seem blissfully aware of, and deeply thankful for, their blessings, even when those blessings are fewer and more meagre than others. These few, the energised and happy and thankful among us, are not "lucky", nor are they to be envied. For their treasures are available to all of us. Their treasure is freely chosen attitude.
For my Grandad
The greatest of human freedoms is the ability to choose, at any moment, the palette of our emotional sky. We alone activate the very energy and emotion through which we experience life. If we wish to feel joy and gratitude in our lives, then we must direct our beliefs and behaviours in order to accomplish that end. And we must do it constantly, with such force and repetition that those emotions become the hues of our daily attitude. This is not easy work, but let it be our mission.
Perhaps the severest requirement of the good life is to have the constancy of mind to maintain our joy and gratitude even amid hardship, pain, and injustice.
But let out own minds decide what is real and what is possible for us. Let out own eyes see among the bored and battered faces a starkly different, brighter lot. There are those whose faces are so alight with life that they serve as a blinding reminder, amid the darkness of our time, that joy and charisma and hope still exist. These are the energisers, the cheerful individuals who inspire and enliven those around them even though their own backgrounds, genetics, and environments would give cause for them to be apathetic and detached. They too, might have come from a broken home or poverty. But instead of choosing bitterness, they seem blissfully aware of, and deeply thankful for, their blessings, even when those blessings are fewer and more meagre than others. These few, the energised and happy and thankful among us, are not "lucky", nor are they to be envied. For their treasures are available to all of us. Their treasure is freely chosen attitude.
For my Grandad
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