todays anxiety

It's 12:45 on Sunday afternoon, I'm just getting ready to leave for work.

I'm trying to be positive about it by telling myself it'll go quick. It might be a nice time to just put my headphones in, stick my head down and focus on my work. Which might be a nice idea, if I hadn't already spent the morning spring cleaning my room, and if my flatmate wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon getting high and laying in bed. That's all I want to do. I'm going to uber to work, and possibly uber back. My anxiety is just not at a level where I could safely get on a bus, and its raining too, so that complicates things.

I am feeling better about today though, I didn't go to the gym like I had planned. But I woke up early-ish, did my laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming and I had a really good clean out of my desk. So there is something I can celebrate today. I also planned out every day this week, hour to hour of everything I need to get done. My week ahead is long and intense, and literally terrifying.

Honestly, I amaze myself at how quick I am to make a decision. From about 8am today, my mindset had been clear - that I was going to set myself up for a productive, positive week. But from about 12pm (once my flatmate asked me if I wanted to buy more weed), my mindset has been - when can I get back into bed?

Its surprising that the smallest things that go wrong set me off into a spiral of anxiety. For example:
Me: proud because I've figured out a way to hang my mirror on my wall
Me 20 mins later: depressed and upset and unwilling to do anything else with today because my DIY failed.

The thought of four hours of cleaning now is stressing me out to the max. Thats a long time to be away from home and my safe haven. What's worse even, is that the only motivation I have right now is the money I'll make to support my drug addiction. I hate that thought, brings me right back to last year: spending the last few dollars I can scrape up on something to get me high or drunk. It's stupid because I genuinely have so much I need to spend money on this week and next week, but I struggle to plan for the future. Why? I couldn't answer right now, that question poses a whole lot more philosophical questions, and I definitely don't have the time or the energy to open that can of worms.

It's 1:00 on Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving for work.