another intervention

Okay I think its time I got help.

I think I'm going actual crazy again. How has everything become so justifiable all of a sudden? The worst part: I've started to not mind. In fact, I'm welcoming it. I feel so comfortable here.

In my room, on my own.

I can be completely myself. I can listen to the music I actually want to listen to, even though it makes me sad. I can stuff my face full of food and no one will see me. I can stare at my butt in the mirror, and twist my body into shapes to make it look beautiful. I'm sitting here in my bed right now, and I feel so warm inside. I feel so content.

But then for a fleeting moment, reality sinks in. Its this other part of me that realises maybe I'm not normal. Maybe these mental states I slip in and out of are the start of something bad. Part of me knows they are, the other part of me could live here forever.

Its conflicting, I realise that. There is a part of me is content and happy with staying home from uni and the gym on a rainy day. The other part of me is beating herself up for making a poor life decision.

It makes me a very anxious person. I try to say things and do things right, but that stresses me out a lot. As a result I just end up not saying anything, and not doing anything. I end up getting sad.

I've been thinking for the last few days about going to the doctor. They could put me in touch with the same counsellor I had last year. I think I'm reluctant to make an appointment because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm getting sick again. I mean, I'm not bad, definitely not like I was last time. I guess just making an appointment kind of validates those feelings I've been trying to ignore recently. I don't know how to deal with them, but pretending they're not there won't be helping either.

I'll keep you updated