Tuesday, November 1, 2016

i don't need jesus

I haven't written in a while, I don't know why I figured nows the best time to gather my thoughts, maybe because this is the first time in weeks I've felt truly alone.

Not a bad thing of course, I like my own company- for the most part. I'm in my favourite place again: by the window, with my durries and my morning coffee. Its rainy and unusually quiet for 8am.  I like the fact that most people choose to walk to work, theres a couple of schools in the area too so typically families will walk by with their dogs on their way to drop the children off. But its raining, so maybe everyone else, not unlike me, decided today's a great day to stay inside.

I can't believe its already November, it's a cliché and all but the years definitely go by quicker and quicker. The years go fast but the days go slow, unsurprisingly. I talk about decisions a lot, and the decisions I make which probably gets a bit old for any readers - I'll get there one day but for the minute the content I write is just for me. It's because I'm a bit fucked up at the moment but I know exactly why, its the decisions I face that weigh so heavily on my life and my current situation.

Everyone's faced with decisions so I shouldn't be complaining. It's decisions that fuck me up, that makes me think everything is worse than it is. It's because you carry the weight of both consequences, every single possible outcome and all the "what if's". Maybe my brains just too over active for own good but its the "what if's" that occupy my entire thinking space. It puts pressure on every aspect of any given situation.

How people handle pressure and stress has always puzzled me, and I've given it a lot of thought. Some people can realign themselves doing things like taking a walk in the sunshine, or having a really long hot shower. Other people take to more drastic measures like changing their entire lifestyle or finding the light of of the lord. I've genuinely thought about that. At the worst of times I've joked about how much I need Jesus and actually considered taking my sorry ass to Church. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective.

But nah, Jesus isn't for me. Nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight.

While I like my own company, in my room or by the window, I need to learn how to stand alone in the world - as an individual, where the decisions are completely mine, uninfluenced by anything else. I figure it might help me see more clearly, but alas the thought of being entirely responsible for my own life is daunting. I guess thats just part of being an adult right, it's time to grow the fuck up and stop being afraid of the "what if's". Its hard learning to let them come as they may, but even harder trying to figure out how to handle life when you're only looking two steps ahead of you.

I think that's called being at peace, making a judgement and staying true to it, despite the infinite amount of possible outcomes. I'm working on it.






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