little bit of love

I wrote the following about a month ago, but never posted it. For some reason my lack of inspiration on the topic left me a little uneasy, so I never gathered my thoughts entirely to form a comprehensive impression. I wrote it because I knew deep down I was ready to love, but couldn't quite put a finger on how I was meant to feel.


         I've never been a huge fan of romance. The idea of it can excite me, but I can never find myself sitting through a rom-com or romance novel and actually enjoying it. Maybe the ideas are just too far-fetched for me.
I used to write a lot about love and being in love. One thing I realised recently is I don't even think about it anymore: I used to daydream about falling in love with someone. Just like every other teenage girl who pictures herself locking eyes with the enticing stranger across the room; you gravitate towards each- other, like an irresistible urge because of some unwritten rules of the universe that declared you both to meet.
I can't even write creatively about love anymore, because I don't feel the things I used to and I don't think the way I used to. Part of me wants to blame that on what happened last year, and that somehow my capacity to fall in love has diminished. I do put trust into people too easily, but I struggle to connect on that deeper level and ultimately my uncertainty about love has ruined the only two relationships I've been in. I don't think I've ever looked at a partner as if they're my whole world. The love that I have felt towards people in the past has always been temporary, fleeting, and I've been aware of that since all the first "I love you"'s. I think I want to be in love, but at the same time I don't know what that is and it scares me.


Since writing the above, I have learnt a lot about love. I realised its not necessarily just the way you feel about someone. It came to me suddenly, unlike my past relationships where I felt my love growing for someone, it was a sudden understanding that this person is the best thing I can hold on to right now. It was not threatening like it had been in the past, there was no hesitancy and saying it out loud felt encouraging rather than feeling like chance thrown to the wind. I have always loved my past relationships, I spent most of that time looking for reasons to fall in love and gradually we became close enough to call it that. The difference now is that I didn't have to look for reasons. I didn't have to consult my mind and compare it to the universe to find our place in it.

I still cannot say I know entirely everything there is to know about love, but I'm excited and I'm ready to find out.