zombies

The last few days I've been feeling like an actual zombie.

Not a zombie in the "I'm going to eat your brains" sense, but in the philosophical sense. Which is ironic, because I spent the entire morning writing about the conceivability of philosophical zombies in regard to consciousness. I'll explain...

I picture two persons, both myself, both physically identical in every way. Except zombie me is not conscious, zombie me is producing outputs in response to inputs but is not consciously aware. Its like I've just been working off a written set of rules programmed into my brain. I've not been feeling or understanding, I've just been doing.

Which is good and bad, I'm a lot less stressed. But I think thats because I've actually been getting work done. I almost found it easier just to exhaust myself, so at the end of the day I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to feel things, this contributes partly to the mentality of zombie me. I think thats why I haven't been able to write either, I haven't been in touch conscious and sub-conscious mind.

The reason why this weighed heavily on my mind, we're currently covering consciousness and intentionality in philosophy. Every time I'm in class I literally do the deepest most intense internalising of my behaviour and my nature, I hate it and I love it.

Coming out of this zombie like state, I feel like I need to figure out what I like again. What makes me feel things, what makes me happy and what makes me sad. Bizarrely, the only thing I can think of that makes me happy is also the thing that makes me sad. The only thing I can think of right now that makes me feel things is also the thing that numbs me. Paradoxical, I realise, I'm literally a walking enigma.

For now, since I've been in this state for almost a week now, I feel fine. I feel like I shouldn't feel fine, but I do. I genuinely feel fine with what I'm doing to by body and my mind even though I have knowledge of the consequences. I've said this before, everything becomes even more justifiable the deeper you get.

I'm just a complicated, starving, contented zombie.