why im always afraid (short version)

I can easily say that I live in constant fear.

All of the decisions I make, I make out of fear for consequences. However, I couldn't say exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I'm just always afraid of something.

I keep calling interventions for myself. I keep looking in the mirror speaking but no ones listening. Theres no one on the receiving end. All there is is the version of me that knows what to say.
I know what to say but I don't want to listen. I can keep speaking to myself, saying things like "you know what to do, Anna" and "take control of your life",  but I won't respond back.

And I already hate myself. The self doubt is already creeping back in, and I'm starting to shut down. I know this feeling exactly, I've been here before. This what scares me. It is the underlying attribute that has complete control over my life and my decisions. The weaker I get the more my decision making deteriorates. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a cycle and I'm walking a slippery slope.

I see it in my mind as a dense black mass, this fundamental attribute of mine. It definitely scares me. At this point I don't know what I need to do to penetrate it.

I have decided to take a different standpoint. Its not working for me: reciting motivational quotes over and over in my head. I could say those words all I like and they still wouldn't hold any more validity. Instead, in order to attempt to penetrate a doubtful and sombre version of myself, I will practice becoming more in touch with my mind. The more I know about myself, the more I can start to pick off the pieces I don't need. The ugly grapes of the bunch. Because I know where this mindset is taking me, and I don't plan on going back there ever again.

Thats all really.