i tried

I'm currently at the gym, I figured now is as good a time as any to write down some thoughts.

I'm happy with myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and getting a good workout in before my day starts. I usually start the days pretty optimistic, but then I think, the more tired I get throughout the day, the easier it is for me to give up on being productive and optimistic.

I really want to do something good for myself today. So that when I got into bed tonight I wouldn't hate myself, and I wouldn't feel so filthy. I thought about coming back to the gym later on today, and then having a nice sauna and a shower. That always makes me feel good.

I'm also really happy that I've managed to keep writing when I'm not high. It's harder for me to get in touch this way, because certain thoughts I have only come out when I'm in a dream like state.

My legs are burning, and I want to stop. But the bully in be would make me feel guilty. The bully in me would tell me I may as well just give up and go home to bed and cones. I'm not going to listen to her, I thought. Just as a tester, why don't I actually only do good things for myself today, just to see how it feels.

It's rainy and cold and miserable, but I'm trying to see above it where the sky is blue and happy and warm. I think we should always aim to be there, life is always a lot easier on a sunny day.

I failed of course. The rain is too much for me. I didn't want it to be like this, but somehow I knew it would. I'm just too sad, its crippling. Im sitting up in my bed, under the blankets. Its still raining outside and dusk is settling in. I didn't achieve anything I said I would today. Do you know how long it took me before I gave in? Literally as soon as I walked in the door.

I'm scared, I'm so so scared for tomorrow. And I'm scared for the next day, and the day after that. There are so many hours in each day and an infinite amount of possible moments where things could go wrong, and things could get worse.  I really don't want to be getting worse. My mental health has nearly completely deteriorated over the last week, and I can't go back down this path.

When I speak to myself, I can only play it by ear; 'we will see how each day goes and what each day brings'. If I can get things done, then I can be proud of myself.

On monday, I'm going to forget about trying, and just do.

But I'll see how that goes..