home is where the heart is

I've been back at my parents the last few days, refusing to call this place 'home' because home is where the heart is, and my heart is somewhere else.

Thursday I woke up earlier than usual, but my morning started like it usually would. I showered, wrapped myself in my dressing gown and my hair in a towel, and sat myself by the window for my first helping of nicotine and caffeine. I enjoy my lonely mornings by the window. I like the people-watching and the crisp air and just the overall feeling of composure. I know what to do in this place, I know how to breathe in and out, how bring my mug to my lips and sip.
I knew this calm would be short-lived because I had a lot of mess to clean up before I left for the airport. I was nervous about going home for obvious reasons. I had missed my initial flight home earlier in the week simply because I refused to get on the plane after a few heated phone calls with my mother. Dad re-booked me a flight home the next day after they had found out about my "drug-use". Needless to say anxiety levels were through the roof, so I had a couple of cones before I left for the airport.

I sobered up after a nap on the plane, but the car ride home with dad wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I think he genuinely trusts me, which is good, we get a long a lot easier. Thats why we have productive conversations, because he actually believes the things I say. My mother and I had fought and made up 3 times that night? and fought again the next day a little bit? It's a blur I'll be honest, in the end our conversations just turned into a succession of words we knew would hurt each other.

The next day I left the house and went into the city with a friend, we planned on staying at her family apartment in town that night, we didn't have any other plans, just a loose idea of places we wanted to be and people we wanted to see. Those 24 hours were probably the most carefree I'd been in a few months. Decision making wasn't a thing for me that night, I just did. I just moved, carelessly, happily. I started the night getting stoned and playing chess with strangers and ended the night playing musical hats and drinking tea with another group of strangers in an entirely different part of the city. I even ended up at the airport at one point, with a boy who I knew but had never met before. It was fun to pretend I was no one, a wiped clean slate, I had no intentions, I had no consequences. I had no history and no future.

I spent about 6 hours trying to get home on Saturday and once I did I crashed. Drew myself a bath, opened a bottle of wine and set myself up for Netflix and drunk tindering. My parents were away for the night which was literally a god send, I couldn't face them after the night I'd had.

I slept easy, the next day was warm and kind. My grandma came over, I cooked her breakfast and we talked about what is is that makes us who we are. Our minds/bodies/souls ect. She kept asking me how questions of philosophy related to ideas of Christianity but I couldn't answer them. To me anyways, they are two completely different things.

Over the weekend I caught up with a few of my friends I hadn't seen since even before I moved back down. It was actually really helpful to have conversations with people I wouldn't usually. I talked about things that wouldn't come up in my own stream of thoughts. But, of course it has been faaaar too long since I last had a cone, I'm craving like I never have before. It's been weird being sober for so long, it's almost like I don't know how to act anymore, like when I talk to my parents I'm just giving the best impression of myself I can. Its like I can't relax, my fingers constantly have to be moving; my mind has to be occupied by something or it suddenly feels like theres a black whole in my chest and the rest of my body is slipping in to it. But thats only when I'm not distracted, and I try to keep myself busy.

I'm flying home tonight and I couldn't be happier. It's so relieving knowing that tonight will be normal again; I'll be in my flatmates room, we'll be in bed together - listening to music or watching youtube videos, enjoying our highs and each-other's company.