bored

I think I'm over trying to explain everything to myself. I'm finally done trying to analyse and explain the things I see and experience.

It seems as though every time I seem to get a grasp of a concept, every time I finally get my head around my life and my situation something throws me off balance and I'm left questioning everything and analysing everything and trying to make sense of everything.

Things that I thought existed don't; nothing really, actually and entirely makes sense. I can see things and here things and form ideas about things but when I come back to them they feel so distant and foreign. Its like I see something as one way, then when i go back to it its something completely different. Things that I once found familiar suddenly feel foreign and distant and it happens quickly like a switch flipped.

And I'm going to have to be okay with that.

Now I just have to learn to accept things the way they are. There is no use in trying to figure out why things happen and how they happen. All i've been able to think/ write about recently is a whole lot of dribble with no real deeper meaning and that bothers me. Words have just been a sequence of letters that form no coherent purpose.

I just need to learn to be okay with things, to open my mind again. I think thats part of the reason I've not been able to write creatively. My mind has been restricted. I want those endless and unlimited and infinite thoughts ideas and passions and beliefs back; but my mind has been limited to thinking purely of the issues I currently face. Even I'm getting bored with myself. Maybe its the rain, or the lack of cigarettes that leave me searching deeper and deeper into the nothingness in my mind, which, not surpisingly makes me feel a bit empty. Like I'm looking for something I know isn't there