the girl who lost it

Yesterday was probably also one of the worst days of my life. I got high pretty early, the earliest I ever had. I spent the entire time questioning who I am, where I am, what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I was having some pretty haunting thoughts, but I also realised a lot about myself I hadn't ever noticed before. Maybe I'm not as part of anything as I thought I was? I'm not part of 'the group' or any groups for that matter. I suddenly feel extremely self conscious and tense. Maybe I'm the outcast, the weird one that people talk about behind their back. I'm constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks, how other people perceive me; my reputation. I KNOW exactly what I did to my reputation last year, and apparently my slutty-demeanor still hasn't worn off, I don't know why I expected it to. I can lose all the weight I want, ditch the drugs and alcohol, but there was still the year that I fucked 20 people so thats what currently defines me. I was the girl who lost it, sort of got it back, but is currently losing it again. 

There is a whole array of complicated and tangled reasons why I did the things I did, and needless to say outsiders wouldn't understand. The thing is, last year,when my Wellington peers were getting to know me, I was someone who was completely not myself. It was like I was battling with myself, a kind of cognitive dissonance. It was a fight between potentials. The person I knew I needed to be and a the person I knew I was becoming. This mental contest caused me to act upon the physical world in ways that were destructive to my friends, my body and my environment.  As much as I try to put that year behind me, it still sits on my shoulders with the weight of the world. 

I thought over summer I had changed and I definitely have, the way I see the world is completely different. It just turns out I'm not as much of a "new and improved" version of myself as I thought. I want to be a new person, but I'm just not. I'm still the same person, I'm still faced with the same decisions and the same consequences. Up until this point, since I moved back down it is clear that I have been thinking. I had been more aware of myself and the decisions I face, therefore I was able to maintain a balance between the good and the bad, the productive and the destructive. Now my vision is a bit more foggy, I'm not thinking clearly and I'm getting caught up in the 'dream world' I was consumed in last year. I know I say this a lot,  but I'm scared. I don't want to put myself through that again, or anyone for that matter. I ruined friendships last year, I fucked people over, I fucked my parents over. I don't want to be that person!!

I need to find myself again, I may not know who I am just yet but I know this isn't me.