I've been back at my parents the last few days, refusing to call this place 'home' because home is where the heart is, and my heart is somewhere else.
Thursday I woke up earlier than usual, but my morning started like it usually would. I showered, wrapped myself in my dressing gown and my hair in a towel, and sat myself by the window for my first helping of nicotine and caffeine. I enjoy my lonely mornings by the window. I like the people-watching and the crisp air and just the overall feeling of composure. I know what to do in this place, I know how to breathe in and out, how bring my mug to my lips and sip.
I knew this calm would be short-lived because I had a lot of mess to clean up before I left for the airport. I was nervous about going home for obvious reasons. I had missed my initial flight home earlier in the week simply because I refused to get on the plane after a few heated phone calls with my mother. Dad re-booked me a flight home the next day after they had found out about my "drug-use". Needless to say anxiety levels were through the roof, so I had a couple of cones before I left for the airport.
I sobered up after a nap on the plane, but the car ride home with dad wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I think he genuinely trusts me, which is good, we get a long a lot easier. Thats why we have productive conversations, because he actually believes the things I say. My mother and I had fought and made up 3 times that night? and fought again the next day a little bit? It's a blur I'll be honest, in the end our conversations just turned into a succession of words we knew would hurt each other.
The next day I left the house and went into the city with a friend, we planned on staying at her family apartment in town that night, we didn't have any other plans, just a loose idea of places we wanted to be and people we wanted to see. Those 24 hours were probably the most carefree I'd been in a few months. Decision making wasn't a thing for me that night, I just did. I just moved, carelessly, happily. I started the night getting stoned and playing chess with strangers and ended the night playing musical hats and drinking tea with another group of strangers in an entirely different part of the city. I even ended up at the airport at one point, with a boy who I knew but had never met before. It was fun to pretend I was no one, a wiped clean slate, I had no intentions, I had no consequences. I had no history and no future.
I spent about 6 hours trying to get home on Saturday and once I did I crashed. Drew myself a bath, opened a bottle of wine and set myself up for Netflix and drunk tindering. My parents were away for the night which was literally a god send, I couldn't face them after the night I'd had.
I slept easy, the next day was warm and kind. My grandma came over, I cooked her breakfast and we talked about what is is that makes us who we are. Our minds/bodies/souls ect. She kept asking me how questions of philosophy related to ideas of Christianity but I couldn't answer them. To me anyways, they are two completely different things.
Over the weekend I caught up with a few of my friends I hadn't seen since even before I moved back down. It was actually really helpful to have conversations with people I wouldn't usually. I talked about things that wouldn't come up in my own stream of thoughts. But, of course it has been faaaar too long since I last had a cone, I'm craving like I never have before. It's been weird being sober for so long, it's almost like I don't know how to act anymore, like when I talk to my parents I'm just giving the best impression of myself I can. Its like I can't relax, my fingers constantly have to be moving; my mind has to be occupied by something or it suddenly feels like theres a black whole in my chest and the rest of my body is slipping in to it. But thats only when I'm not distracted, and I try to keep myself busy.
I'm flying home tonight and I couldn't be happier. It's so relieving knowing that tonight will be normal again; I'll be in my flatmates room, we'll be in bed together - listening to music or watching youtube videos, enjoying our highs and each-other's company.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
what about my freedom?
I mentioned before how easy it is to justify everything, and how its ultimately making me feel content with my life as it currently is.
I've been questioning this recently, what is is that makes me feel so comforted yet entirely uncomfortable at the same time. But I've been feeling so uninspired.
I wanted to talk about the phrase "everything happens for a reason", which I've wholeheartedly believed for a long time. Doesn't this mean that everything thats going to happen, has already been predetermined by some laws of nature? And where does that leave me?
I do suppose that everything thats happened in my life so far has made me the person I am today. This is to say, that in 10 years I'll be a person made up of a collection of entirely new experiences, but does this mean I'd still be the same person? What I'm trying not to do is question who I am, but rather whats in store for me. If everything happens for a reason, does that make everything reasonable?
If our "path" in life can already be explained, actually, if our whole world can be explained by a series and collaboration of smaller affairs; hypothetically, if I knew everything there was to know about the world, then I would know at every moment what is going to happen next.
I am definitely not an advocate for science as a way of explaining everything there is to know in the world, thats too simple for me. There has to be ways of explaining things like our minds and our conscious and our destinies that involves something over and above our physical selves. The notion that everything that happens in our lives has in some way already been established, leaves no room for freedom. What about my free will? The decisions I make?
We are not a result of laws and rules put in place by the natural world. We are special. Ultimately, we reason, we make decisions, we take responsibility. We act freely and because of that we can feel. I wouldn't be able to feel proud of myself, or feel ashamed or guilty. I do experience these emotions, I feel certain ways about things because I know I play the supreme role in my own life.
I cannot tell whether leaving the path of my life up to unwritten rules is comforting or not. But it is important to know that we are different from the natural world, we are not just another animal driven by instinct. Part of the reason we think we are free is because we have the experience of making choices. Surely, up until the exact moment you make a decision, you still have a choice, it could go either way. If this is the case then the past remains the same and each decision you make is compatible with it. In order to make sense of our decisions, you have to believe the past doesn't determine what we do.
You have to believe the universe is compatible with you turning left, and the universe is compatible with you turning right.
Okay I know we're going somewhere much too philosophical for a Wednesday morning, but I wanted to address something along the lines of determinism and free will. You could say, I made that decision because that is something I wanted to do, based on a set of internal states. There is a theory that that states: within us we have a bunch of different urges all fighting against each other, and what you do is determined by whatever urge is the strongest. I have to question whether this actually is genuine freedom. If this turns out to be true then are we actually free?
You might be in situations where your desires will push you one way, but to act freely, you have to be able to do things in spite of your desires because they "make sense". If my desires don't make me do something, then what does it mean for me to do it? Whats left? ME. Not my character, upbringing, desires or circumstances (they are parts of me), but when I make a decision, I make it.
I am not something that happens, I am a person, I can make things happen. I can cause the events of the universe to change, but that doesn't mean I am an event of the universe. You are not controlled by events of the past, or your desires or by events that occur in the universe, you stand apart from these things. You are just you. What we are committed to, by virtue of our own nature, is to be free.
We are a little bit like Gods, if you think about it. We are movers and can make things happen but not just because some other force moves us. Take Aristotle, "A staff moves a stone, which is moved by a hand, which is moved by a man."
I can safely refute the common phrase "everything happens for a reason". It is troubling to realise the extent to which we have completely agency we have over our own lives. I think this is why some people choose to believe that everything happens for a reason.
I've been questioning this recently, what is is that makes me feel so comforted yet entirely uncomfortable at the same time. But I've been feeling so uninspired.
I wanted to talk about the phrase "everything happens for a reason", which I've wholeheartedly believed for a long time. Doesn't this mean that everything thats going to happen, has already been predetermined by some laws of nature? And where does that leave me?
I do suppose that everything thats happened in my life so far has made me the person I am today. This is to say, that in 10 years I'll be a person made up of a collection of entirely new experiences, but does this mean I'd still be the same person? What I'm trying not to do is question who I am, but rather whats in store for me. If everything happens for a reason, does that make everything reasonable?
If our "path" in life can already be explained, actually, if our whole world can be explained by a series and collaboration of smaller affairs; hypothetically, if I knew everything there was to know about the world, then I would know at every moment what is going to happen next.
I am definitely not an advocate for science as a way of explaining everything there is to know in the world, thats too simple for me. There has to be ways of explaining things like our minds and our conscious and our destinies that involves something over and above our physical selves. The notion that everything that happens in our lives has in some way already been established, leaves no room for freedom. What about my free will? The decisions I make?
We are not a result of laws and rules put in place by the natural world. We are special. Ultimately, we reason, we make decisions, we take responsibility. We act freely and because of that we can feel. I wouldn't be able to feel proud of myself, or feel ashamed or guilty. I do experience these emotions, I feel certain ways about things because I know I play the supreme role in my own life.
I cannot tell whether leaving the path of my life up to unwritten rules is comforting or not. But it is important to know that we are different from the natural world, we are not just another animal driven by instinct. Part of the reason we think we are free is because we have the experience of making choices. Surely, up until the exact moment you make a decision, you still have a choice, it could go either way. If this is the case then the past remains the same and each decision you make is compatible with it. In order to make sense of our decisions, you have to believe the past doesn't determine what we do.
You have to believe the universe is compatible with you turning left, and the universe is compatible with you turning right.
Okay I know we're going somewhere much too philosophical for a Wednesday morning, but I wanted to address something along the lines of determinism and free will. You could say, I made that decision because that is something I wanted to do, based on a set of internal states. There is a theory that that states: within us we have a bunch of different urges all fighting against each other, and what you do is determined by whatever urge is the strongest. I have to question whether this actually is genuine freedom. If this turns out to be true then are we actually free?
You might be in situations where your desires will push you one way, but to act freely, you have to be able to do things in spite of your desires because they "make sense". If my desires don't make me do something, then what does it mean for me to do it? Whats left? ME. Not my character, upbringing, desires or circumstances (they are parts of me), but when I make a decision, I make it.
I am not something that happens, I am a person, I can make things happen. I can cause the events of the universe to change, but that doesn't mean I am an event of the universe. You are not controlled by events of the past, or your desires or by events that occur in the universe, you stand apart from these things. You are just you. What we are committed to, by virtue of our own nature, is to be free.
We are a little bit like Gods, if you think about it. We are movers and can make things happen but not just because some other force moves us. Take Aristotle, "A staff moves a stone, which is moved by a hand, which is moved by a man."
I can safely refute the common phrase "everything happens for a reason". It is troubling to realise the extent to which we have completely agency we have over our own lives. I think this is why some people choose to believe that everything happens for a reason.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
zombies
The last few days I've been feeling like an actual zombie.
Not a zombie in the "I'm going to eat your brains" sense, but in the philosophical sense. Which is ironic, because I spent the entire morning writing about the conceivability of philosophical zombies in regard to consciousness. I'll explain...
I picture two persons, both myself, both physically identical in every way. Except zombie me is not conscious, zombie me is producing outputs in response to inputs but is not consciously aware. Its like I've just been working off a written set of rules programmed into my brain. I've not been feeling or understanding, I've just been doing.
Which is good and bad, I'm a lot less stressed. But I think thats because I've actually been getting work done. I almost found it easier just to exhaust myself, so at the end of the day I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to feel things, this contributes partly to the mentality of zombie me. I think thats why I haven't been able to write either, I haven't been in touch conscious and sub-conscious mind.
The reason why this weighed heavily on my mind, we're currently covering consciousness and intentionality in philosophy. Every time I'm in class I literally do the deepest most intense internalising of my behaviour and my nature, I hate it and I love it.
Coming out of this zombie like state, I feel like I need to figure out what I like again. What makes me feel things, what makes me happy and what makes me sad. Bizarrely, the only thing I can think of that makes me happy is also the thing that makes me sad. The only thing I can think of right now that makes me feel things is also the thing that numbs me. Paradoxical, I realise, I'm literally a walking enigma.
For now, since I've been in this state for almost a week now, I feel fine. I feel like I shouldn't feel fine, but I do. I genuinely feel fine with what I'm doing to by body and my mind even though I have knowledge of the consequences. I've said this before, everything becomes even more justifiable the deeper you get.
I'm just a complicated, starving, contented zombie.
Not a zombie in the "I'm going to eat your brains" sense, but in the philosophical sense. Which is ironic, because I spent the entire morning writing about the conceivability of philosophical zombies in regard to consciousness. I'll explain...
I picture two persons, both myself, both physically identical in every way. Except zombie me is not conscious, zombie me is producing outputs in response to inputs but is not consciously aware. Its like I've just been working off a written set of rules programmed into my brain. I've not been feeling or understanding, I've just been doing.
Which is good and bad, I'm a lot less stressed. But I think thats because I've actually been getting work done. I almost found it easier just to exhaust myself, so at the end of the day I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to feel things, this contributes partly to the mentality of zombie me. I think thats why I haven't been able to write either, I haven't been in touch conscious and sub-conscious mind.
The reason why this weighed heavily on my mind, we're currently covering consciousness and intentionality in philosophy. Every time I'm in class I literally do the deepest most intense internalising of my behaviour and my nature, I hate it and I love it.
Coming out of this zombie like state, I feel like I need to figure out what I like again. What makes me feel things, what makes me happy and what makes me sad. Bizarrely, the only thing I can think of that makes me happy is also the thing that makes me sad. The only thing I can think of right now that makes me feel things is also the thing that numbs me. Paradoxical, I realise, I'm literally a walking enigma.
For now, since I've been in this state for almost a week now, I feel fine. I feel like I shouldn't feel fine, but I do. I genuinely feel fine with what I'm doing to by body and my mind even though I have knowledge of the consequences. I've said this before, everything becomes even more justifiable the deeper you get.
I'm just a complicated, starving, contented zombie.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
the girl who lost it
Yesterday was probably also one of the worst days of my life. I got high pretty early, the earliest I ever had. I spent the entire time questioning who I am, where I am, what I'm doing and where I'm going.
I was having some pretty haunting thoughts, but I also realised a lot about myself I hadn't ever noticed before. Maybe I'm not as part of anything as I thought I was? I'm not part of 'the group' or any groups for that matter. I suddenly feel extremely self conscious and tense. Maybe I'm the outcast, the weird one that people talk about behind their back. I'm constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks, how other people perceive me; my reputation. I KNOW exactly what I did to my reputation last year, and apparently my slutty-demeanor still hasn't worn off, I don't know why I expected it to. I can lose all the weight I want, ditch the drugs and alcohol, but there was still the year that I fucked 20 people so thats what currently defines me. I was the girl who lost it, sort of got it back, but is currently losing it again.
There is a whole array of complicated and tangled reasons why I did the things I did, and needless to say outsiders wouldn't understand. The thing is, last year,when my Wellington peers were getting to know me, I was someone who was completely not myself. It was like I was battling with myself, a kind of cognitive dissonance. It was a fight between potentials. The person I knew I needed to be and a the person I knew I was becoming. This mental contest caused me to act upon the physical world in ways that were destructive to my friends, my body and my environment. As much as I try to put that year behind me, it still sits on my shoulders with the weight of the world.
I thought over summer I had changed and I definitely have, the way I see the world is completely different. It just turns out I'm not as much of a "new and improved" version of myself as I thought. I want to be a new person, but I'm just not. I'm still the same person, I'm still faced with the same decisions and the same consequences. Up until this point, since I moved back down it is clear that I have been thinking. I had been more aware of myself and the decisions I face, therefore I was able to maintain a balance between the good and the bad, the productive and the destructive. Now my vision is a bit more foggy, I'm not thinking clearly and I'm getting caught up in the 'dream world' I was consumed in last year. I know I say this a lot, but I'm scared. I don't want to put myself through that again, or anyone for that matter. I ruined friendships last year, I fucked people over, I fucked my parents over. I don't want to be that person!!
I need to find myself again, I may not know who I am just yet but I know this isn't me.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
life in colour
I think I actually uttered the words, "It's a beautiful day" on the bus this morning.
It's raining again, and freezing cold, the perfect day to be inside. I'm hoping this makes me more productive. I forced myself to get to uni for my earlier class so that I'd have to be up here for longer, I'm hoping that means I get more work done. I have a bucket load of things to do today.
My bus ride this morning was peaceful for once, I think I'm actually coming to enjoy bus rides. Especially at that time of the day, the sun still isn't quite up and all the street lights are on. Theres endless amounts of people walking up and down the streets, I love people watching, and the 7:33am number 23 is the best place for people watching. I liked that it was raining this morning, the cloud cover was so heavy there was no sign of the sun, depressing I know, but actually very calming. Rain drops on a window has always reminded me of a delicate piano piece, perhaps Gymnopédie No. 1. How can you not be calm when you're in that moment. The street lights and office lights and traffic lights were blurred by the falling raining and the condensation forming on the bus window; much like a piece of art.
There was a man on the bus this morning who initially freaked me out. He was big and burley and had a grey moustache. He was sitting opposite me and I could feel his eyes burning straight into the side of my face. I was feeling self conscious and sweaty, when I worked up the nerve to turn and face him he was smiling and making silly faces. Not at me but at the baby sitting in front of me. In the end I started giggling, the baby was giggling, the mum was giggling and so was he. It was like taking a deep breath in and out, it felt good, refreshing and vitalising. I took myself back a bit, was I actually experiencing significance in a such a simple moment?
Call me crazy, I'm actually really content right now. I'm seeing beauty in today, in the rain and wind and grey clouds. I got a piccolo from the coffee shop. Its like a miniature latte. I've never been much of a coffee drinker but the cute boy who works there has gotten me into it. How could I say no to the cutest little takeaway coffee cup? Also any excuse to make small talk about the weather with an attractive male is never a bad thing.
So my confidence is boosted today. Hopefully I'll get a lot of work done, although I can't see myself doing much after finishing an eight hour day. Gym was on the cards, but if I have to walk home in the rain I might not want to leave again. But I hope it stays rainy. Rain is really working for me today.
I was having a lot of deep moments last night. I wish I actually wrote some of those thoughts down. I just want to be creative and vibrant and complex, I want to see life in colour. A little while ago, last year when I was going through a similar predicament, I wrote a passage about how I had a strong desire to write, but nothing to write about because I saw the world in a far too simple way. Trying to stay in touch with the unconventional side of me is a struggle. But as I've mentioned before, staying in-touch with my inner self will help me stay on top of myself, in control even. If I can control whats going on inside myself then surely I can control whats going on on the outside? Today I've made some movements on that intention: ie the man on the bus and the colours I saw on a very grey bus ride this morning.
Anyways it's Monday, I have a lot to do, and I'm ready to start going through the motions.
It's raining again, and freezing cold, the perfect day to be inside. I'm hoping this makes me more productive. I forced myself to get to uni for my earlier class so that I'd have to be up here for longer, I'm hoping that means I get more work done. I have a bucket load of things to do today.
My bus ride this morning was peaceful for once, I think I'm actually coming to enjoy bus rides. Especially at that time of the day, the sun still isn't quite up and all the street lights are on. Theres endless amounts of people walking up and down the streets, I love people watching, and the 7:33am number 23 is the best place for people watching. I liked that it was raining this morning, the cloud cover was so heavy there was no sign of the sun, depressing I know, but actually very calming. Rain drops on a window has always reminded me of a delicate piano piece, perhaps Gymnopédie No. 1. How can you not be calm when you're in that moment. The street lights and office lights and traffic lights were blurred by the falling raining and the condensation forming on the bus window; much like a piece of art.
There was a man on the bus this morning who initially freaked me out. He was big and burley and had a grey moustache. He was sitting opposite me and I could feel his eyes burning straight into the side of my face. I was feeling self conscious and sweaty, when I worked up the nerve to turn and face him he was smiling and making silly faces. Not at me but at the baby sitting in front of me. In the end I started giggling, the baby was giggling, the mum was giggling and so was he. It was like taking a deep breath in and out, it felt good, refreshing and vitalising. I took myself back a bit, was I actually experiencing significance in a such a simple moment?
Call me crazy, I'm actually really content right now. I'm seeing beauty in today, in the rain and wind and grey clouds. I got a piccolo from the coffee shop. Its like a miniature latte. I've never been much of a coffee drinker but the cute boy who works there has gotten me into it. How could I say no to the cutest little takeaway coffee cup? Also any excuse to make small talk about the weather with an attractive male is never a bad thing.
So my confidence is boosted today. Hopefully I'll get a lot of work done, although I can't see myself doing much after finishing an eight hour day. Gym was on the cards, but if I have to walk home in the rain I might not want to leave again. But I hope it stays rainy. Rain is really working for me today.
I was having a lot of deep moments last night. I wish I actually wrote some of those thoughts down. I just want to be creative and vibrant and complex, I want to see life in colour. A little while ago, last year when I was going through a similar predicament, I wrote a passage about how I had a strong desire to write, but nothing to write about because I saw the world in a far too simple way. Trying to stay in touch with the unconventional side of me is a struggle. But as I've mentioned before, staying in-touch with my inner self will help me stay on top of myself, in control even. If I can control whats going on inside myself then surely I can control whats going on on the outside? Today I've made some movements on that intention: ie the man on the bus and the colours I saw on a very grey bus ride this morning.
Anyways it's Monday, I have a lot to do, and I'm ready to start going through the motions.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
todays anxiety
It's 12:45 on Sunday afternoon, I'm just getting ready to leave for work.
I'm trying to be positive about it by telling myself it'll go quick. It might be a nice time to just put my headphones in, stick my head down and focus on my work. Which might be a nice idea, if I hadn't already spent the morning spring cleaning my room, and if my flatmate wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon getting high and laying in bed. That's all I want to do. I'm going to uber to work, and possibly uber back. My anxiety is just not at a level where I could safely get on a bus, and its raining too, so that complicates things.
I am feeling better about today though, I didn't go to the gym like I had planned. But I woke up early-ish, did my laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming and I had a really good clean out of my desk. So there is something I can celebrate today. I also planned out every day this week, hour to hour of everything I need to get done. My week ahead is long and intense, and literally terrifying.
Honestly, I amaze myself at how quick I am to make a decision. From about 8am today, my mindset had been clear - that I was going to set myself up for a productive, positive week. But from about 12pm (once my flatmate asked me if I wanted to buy more weed), my mindset has been - when can I get back into bed?
Its surprising that the smallest things that go wrong set me off into a spiral of anxiety. For example:
Me: proud because I've figured out a way to hang my mirror on my wall
Me 20 mins later: depressed and upset and unwilling to do anything else with today because my DIY failed.
The thought of four hours of cleaning now is stressing me out to the max. Thats a long time to be away from home and my safe haven. What's worse even, is that the only motivation I have right now is the money I'll make to support my drug addiction. I hate that thought, brings me right back to last year: spending the last few dollars I can scrape up on something to get me high or drunk. It's stupid because I genuinely have so much I need to spend money on this week and next week, but I struggle to plan for the future. Why? I couldn't answer right now, that question poses a whole lot more philosophical questions, and I definitely don't have the time or the energy to open that can of worms.
It's 1:00 on Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving for work.
I'm trying to be positive about it by telling myself it'll go quick. It might be a nice time to just put my headphones in, stick my head down and focus on my work. Which might be a nice idea, if I hadn't already spent the morning spring cleaning my room, and if my flatmate wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon getting high and laying in bed. That's all I want to do. I'm going to uber to work, and possibly uber back. My anxiety is just not at a level where I could safely get on a bus, and its raining too, so that complicates things.
I am feeling better about today though, I didn't go to the gym like I had planned. But I woke up early-ish, did my laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming and I had a really good clean out of my desk. So there is something I can celebrate today. I also planned out every day this week, hour to hour of everything I need to get done. My week ahead is long and intense, and literally terrifying.
Honestly, I amaze myself at how quick I am to make a decision. From about 8am today, my mindset had been clear - that I was going to set myself up for a productive, positive week. But from about 12pm (once my flatmate asked me if I wanted to buy more weed), my mindset has been - when can I get back into bed?
Its surprising that the smallest things that go wrong set me off into a spiral of anxiety. For example:
Me: proud because I've figured out a way to hang my mirror on my wall
Me 20 mins later: depressed and upset and unwilling to do anything else with today because my DIY failed.
The thought of four hours of cleaning now is stressing me out to the max. Thats a long time to be away from home and my safe haven. What's worse even, is that the only motivation I have right now is the money I'll make to support my drug addiction. I hate that thought, brings me right back to last year: spending the last few dollars I can scrape up on something to get me high or drunk. It's stupid because I genuinely have so much I need to spend money on this week and next week, but I struggle to plan for the future. Why? I couldn't answer right now, that question poses a whole lot more philosophical questions, and I definitely don't have the time or the energy to open that can of worms.
It's 1:00 on Sunday afternoon, and I'm leaving for work.
Friday, August 5, 2016
i tried
I'm currently at the gym, I figured now is as good a time as any to write down some thoughts.
I'm happy with myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and getting a good workout in before my day starts. I usually start the days pretty optimistic, but then I think, the more tired I get throughout the day, the easier it is for me to give up on being productive and optimistic.
I really want to do something good for myself today. So that when I got into bed tonight I wouldn't hate myself, and I wouldn't feel so filthy. I thought about coming back to the gym later on today, and then having a nice sauna and a shower. That always makes me feel good.
I'm also really happy that I've managed to keep writing when I'm not high. It's harder for me to get in touch this way, because certain thoughts I have only come out when I'm in a dream like state.
My legs are burning, and I want to stop. But the bully in be would make me feel guilty. The bully in me would tell me I may as well just give up and go home to bed and cones. I'm not going to listen to her, I thought. Just as a tester, why don't I actually only do good things for myself today, just to see how it feels.
It's rainy and cold and miserable, but I'm trying to see above it where the sky is blue and happy and warm. I think we should always aim to be there, life is always a lot easier on a sunny day.
I failed of course. The rain is too much for me. I didn't want it to be like this, but somehow I knew it would. I'm just too sad, its crippling. Im sitting up in my bed, under the blankets. Its still raining outside and dusk is settling in. I didn't achieve anything I said I would today. Do you know how long it took me before I gave in? Literally as soon as I walked in the door.
I'm scared, I'm so so scared for tomorrow. And I'm scared for the next day, and the day after that. There are so many hours in each day and an infinite amount of possible moments where things could go wrong, and things could get worse. I really don't want to be getting worse. My mental health has nearly completely deteriorated over the last week, and I can't go back down this path.
When I speak to myself, I can only play it by ear; 'we will see how each day goes and what each day brings'. If I can get things done, then I can be proud of myself.
On monday, I'm going to forget about trying, and just do.
But I'll see how that goes..
I'm happy with myself for getting out of bed at a reasonable hour, and getting a good workout in before my day starts. I usually start the days pretty optimistic, but then I think, the more tired I get throughout the day, the easier it is for me to give up on being productive and optimistic.
I really want to do something good for myself today. So that when I got into bed tonight I wouldn't hate myself, and I wouldn't feel so filthy. I thought about coming back to the gym later on today, and then having a nice sauna and a shower. That always makes me feel good.
I'm also really happy that I've managed to keep writing when I'm not high. It's harder for me to get in touch this way, because certain thoughts I have only come out when I'm in a dream like state.
My legs are burning, and I want to stop. But the bully in be would make me feel guilty. The bully in me would tell me I may as well just give up and go home to bed and cones. I'm not going to listen to her, I thought. Just as a tester, why don't I actually only do good things for myself today, just to see how it feels.
It's rainy and cold and miserable, but I'm trying to see above it where the sky is blue and happy and warm. I think we should always aim to be there, life is always a lot easier on a sunny day.
I failed of course. The rain is too much for me. I didn't want it to be like this, but somehow I knew it would. I'm just too sad, its crippling. Im sitting up in my bed, under the blankets. Its still raining outside and dusk is settling in. I didn't achieve anything I said I would today. Do you know how long it took me before I gave in? Literally as soon as I walked in the door.
I'm scared, I'm so so scared for tomorrow. And I'm scared for the next day, and the day after that. There are so many hours in each day and an infinite amount of possible moments where things could go wrong, and things could get worse. I really don't want to be getting worse. My mental health has nearly completely deteriorated over the last week, and I can't go back down this path.
When I speak to myself, I can only play it by ear; 'we will see how each day goes and what each day brings'. If I can get things done, then I can be proud of myself.
On monday, I'm going to forget about trying, and just do.
But I'll see how that goes..
Thursday, August 4, 2016
another intervention
Okay I think its time I got help.
I think I'm going actual crazy again. How has everything become so justifiable all of a sudden? The worst part: I've started to not mind. In fact, I'm welcoming it. I feel so comfortable here.
In my room, on my own.
I can be completely myself. I can listen to the music I actually want to listen to, even though it makes me sad. I can stuff my face full of food and no one will see me. I can stare at my butt in the mirror, and twist my body into shapes to make it look beautiful. I'm sitting here in my bed right now, and I feel so warm inside. I feel so content.
But then for a fleeting moment, reality sinks in. Its this other part of me that realises maybe I'm not normal. Maybe these mental states I slip in and out of are the start of something bad. Part of me knows they are, the other part of me could live here forever.
Its conflicting, I realise that. There is a part of me is content and happy with staying home from uni and the gym on a rainy day. The other part of me is beating herself up for making a poor life decision.
It makes me a very anxious person. I try to say things and do things right, but that stresses me out a lot. As a result I just end up not saying anything, and not doing anything. I end up getting sad.
I've been thinking for the last few days about going to the doctor. They could put me in touch with the same counsellor I had last year. I think I'm reluctant to make an appointment because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm getting sick again. I mean, I'm not bad, definitely not like I was last time. I guess just making an appointment kind of validates those feelings I've been trying to ignore recently. I don't know how to deal with them, but pretending they're not there won't be helping either.
I'll keep you updated
I think I'm going actual crazy again. How has everything become so justifiable all of a sudden? The worst part: I've started to not mind. In fact, I'm welcoming it. I feel so comfortable here.
In my room, on my own.
I can be completely myself. I can listen to the music I actually want to listen to, even though it makes me sad. I can stuff my face full of food and no one will see me. I can stare at my butt in the mirror, and twist my body into shapes to make it look beautiful. I'm sitting here in my bed right now, and I feel so warm inside. I feel so content.
But then for a fleeting moment, reality sinks in. Its this other part of me that realises maybe I'm not normal. Maybe these mental states I slip in and out of are the start of something bad. Part of me knows they are, the other part of me could live here forever.
Its conflicting, I realise that. There is a part of me is content and happy with staying home from uni and the gym on a rainy day. The other part of me is beating herself up for making a poor life decision.
It makes me a very anxious person. I try to say things and do things right, but that stresses me out a lot. As a result I just end up not saying anything, and not doing anything. I end up getting sad.
I've been thinking for the last few days about going to the doctor. They could put me in touch with the same counsellor I had last year. I think I'm reluctant to make an appointment because I don't want to admit to myself that I'm getting sick again. I mean, I'm not bad, definitely not like I was last time. I guess just making an appointment kind of validates those feelings I've been trying to ignore recently. I don't know how to deal with them, but pretending they're not there won't be helping either.
I'll keep you updated
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
hi grandad
Hi Grandad,
I feel like its been a while since we last spoke. Actually I can't even believe how long its been.
A lot has changed. I got offered that job at the Pullman, but I quit after my first day because I just couldn't handle it. I didn't realise it then but I had a whole lot more work to do to get myself better.
And I'm still not completely 100% better, but thats okay I don't think everyones perfectly okay all of the time.
But yeah, I'm back at uni. Things are going really great (with the exception of the last few days, but I'll get to that) I'm taking a philosophy paper and I loooooove it. Of course I straight away want to change my major; I can just see myself in 10 years sitting in a little apartment writing genuine philosophical essays for a journal. I've also been taking really good care of myself. I'm really enjoying the gym, I've gotten really into weightlifting and body building, I wish you could see how much my body has changed. You'd probably think I was a new person.
I think about that often actually, that your last memories were of a version of me that was very sad. That person feels so far from me. She was completely different to who I am now. She was lifeless and wretched. I wish I made those moments count for more.
I think you'd be proud of me. I'm trying really hard to hold it together, though I think the stress is getting to me and its making me more anxious than normal. Its getting harder to be passionate about life, at least the last few days anyway.
The last few days I haven't been taking very good care of myself, and ultimately its made me feel really down. I just needed to talk to you, I need to remind myself of one particular moment in the hospital. Everyone left so you and I could chat privately, and you held my hand. I cant remember the words specifically but you told me that I'm worthy. That I am beautiful and talented and can get so much from the world if I just believed in myself. That I am hard working, and honest and genuine, and I deserve to be happy. I have to think back on to that moment in the hospital from time to time, to keep me grounded. No one has ever sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me those things.
You are a large part of my motivation, I feel like I just needed to touch base with you and reintroduce you to my life. I want to keep making you proud every day.
So thats what I'm going to do.
Lots of love,
From Anna
I feel like its been a while since we last spoke. Actually I can't even believe how long its been.
A lot has changed. I got offered that job at the Pullman, but I quit after my first day because I just couldn't handle it. I didn't realise it then but I had a whole lot more work to do to get myself better.
And I'm still not completely 100% better, but thats okay I don't think everyones perfectly okay all of the time.
But yeah, I'm back at uni. Things are going really great (with the exception of the last few days, but I'll get to that) I'm taking a philosophy paper and I loooooove it. Of course I straight away want to change my major; I can just see myself in 10 years sitting in a little apartment writing genuine philosophical essays for a journal. I've also been taking really good care of myself. I'm really enjoying the gym, I've gotten really into weightlifting and body building, I wish you could see how much my body has changed. You'd probably think I was a new person.
I think about that often actually, that your last memories were of a version of me that was very sad. That person feels so far from me. She was completely different to who I am now. She was lifeless and wretched. I wish I made those moments count for more.
I think you'd be proud of me. I'm trying really hard to hold it together, though I think the stress is getting to me and its making me more anxious than normal. Its getting harder to be passionate about life, at least the last few days anyway.
The last few days I haven't been taking very good care of myself, and ultimately its made me feel really down. I just needed to talk to you, I need to remind myself of one particular moment in the hospital. Everyone left so you and I could chat privately, and you held my hand. I cant remember the words specifically but you told me that I'm worthy. That I am beautiful and talented and can get so much from the world if I just believed in myself. That I am hard working, and honest and genuine, and I deserve to be happy. I have to think back on to that moment in the hospital from time to time, to keep me grounded. No one has ever sat me down and looked me in the eyes and told me those things.
You are a large part of my motivation, I feel like I just needed to touch base with you and reintroduce you to my life. I want to keep making you proud every day.
So thats what I'm going to do.
Lots of love,
From Anna
why im always afraid (short version)
I can easily say that I live in constant fear.
All of the decisions I make, I make out of fear for consequences. However, I couldn't say exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I'm just always afraid of something.
I keep calling interventions for myself. I keep looking in the mirror speaking but no ones listening. Theres no one on the receiving end. All there is is the version of me that knows what to say.
I know what to say but I don't want to listen. I can keep speaking to myself, saying things like "you know what to do, Anna" and "take control of your life", but I won't respond back.
And I already hate myself. The self doubt is already creeping back in, and I'm starting to shut down. I know this feeling exactly, I've been here before. This what scares me. It is the underlying attribute that has complete control over my life and my decisions. The weaker I get the more my decision making deteriorates. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a cycle and I'm walking a slippery slope.
I see it in my mind as a dense black mass, this fundamental attribute of mine. It definitely scares me. At this point I don't know what I need to do to penetrate it.
I have decided to take a different standpoint. Its not working for me: reciting motivational quotes over and over in my head. I could say those words all I like and they still wouldn't hold any more validity. Instead, in order to attempt to penetrate a doubtful and sombre version of myself, I will practice becoming more in touch with my mind. The more I know about myself, the more I can start to pick off the pieces I don't need. The ugly grapes of the bunch. Because I know where this mindset is taking me, and I don't plan on going back there ever again.
Thats all really.
All of the decisions I make, I make out of fear for consequences. However, I couldn't say exactly what it is that I am afraid of. I'm just always afraid of something.
I keep calling interventions for myself. I keep looking in the mirror speaking but no ones listening. Theres no one on the receiving end. All there is is the version of me that knows what to say.
I know what to say but I don't want to listen. I can keep speaking to myself, saying things like "you know what to do, Anna" and "take control of your life", but I won't respond back.
And I already hate myself. The self doubt is already creeping back in, and I'm starting to shut down. I know this feeling exactly, I've been here before. This what scares me. It is the underlying attribute that has complete control over my life and my decisions. The weaker I get the more my decision making deteriorates. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a cycle and I'm walking a slippery slope.
I see it in my mind as a dense black mass, this fundamental attribute of mine. It definitely scares me. At this point I don't know what I need to do to penetrate it.
I have decided to take a different standpoint. Its not working for me: reciting motivational quotes over and over in my head. I could say those words all I like and they still wouldn't hold any more validity. Instead, in order to attempt to penetrate a doubtful and sombre version of myself, I will practice becoming more in touch with my mind. The more I know about myself, the more I can start to pick off the pieces I don't need. The ugly grapes of the bunch. Because I know where this mindset is taking me, and I don't plan on going back there ever again.
Thats all really.
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