suddenly it dawned on me

It's hard for me to comprehend how much my life has changed, and how much I've been through.
I almost feel like I haven't quite dealt with it yet, I haven't fully accepted all the different phases of my life I've moved through and left behind. I don't understand why I feel nostalgia for such a horribly sad time for me.

It's almost like I completely forgot a whole portion of my life, which might explain recent and prolonged feelings of 'somethings missing' and feelings of 'somethings not quite right'. Because I wasn't meant to just forget everything I've been through, we're not meant to push down our past.

I had a moment where all of a sudden every feeling of trauma and utter sadness and feelings of hopelessness I have experienced over my life-span just came over me. I wasn't ready for the world, it hit me so hard and I didn't know how to handle it. I did a lot of things I was ashamed of, I put myself through hell and destroyed who I was, and since then I have struggled to know who I really truly am.

Don't get me wrong I am happy with my life, I'm happy with my partner and where we are and what we are moving through right now. But I also feel like I am on the brink of something, like I might really be finding who I am and what I was meant to do in this life. I feel as though I'm searching, I'm really pushing for this person I want to be, I'm not letting it find me.

I look back on moments from my past and it still feels fresh. Mentally I think I am in the best place I have been in years. I can still so strongly relate to how I was before and yet I feel so detached, I spend 90% suppressing those memories.

I wonder if by acknowledging my past and my traumas, I can move through them. I still feel as though I am held back in some way. I accept that I experienced life in this way, and this is what has brought me here today. Without change there would be no growth. I am on this journey, I chose to experience what I have in order to grow, I need to let happen what happens.

promises

It's a terrible thing to make a promise to somebody and not to keep it. But it is worse to make promises to yourself and not to keep them. Its morally defeating. Not only do you start to question your own faith, but your own sanity. Why would I tell myself something which I know deep down is possibly unrealistic? But we don't make promises on the grounds of "this is something that is indefinitely going to happen to me in time". We make promises to ourselves because it gives us a sense of hope, not a sense of certainty. It is entirely up to us, our moral fabric to fulfil these promises.

But with that, unfortunately comes the risk of not wishing hard enough, our makings and our fabric not being strong enough so our promises are never met. Which can make you wonder why you'd ever make promises to yourself in the first place. It is degrading, how could you have let this happen? What got in your way one day that you became so unfocused on what you really want?

What has always been difficult for me was understanding the power of my own mind, and the supremacy I have over my own life and what I want for myself. It is easy enough to say that if you ave the will and determination then all your dreams will come true, but it is harder to entirely comprehend that reality. Thats something I've never been able to get my head around. For me, it is easy to succumb to the world and let it work around me, while I get to sit in it and let what happens happen. That way everyone and everything is to blame but me. I've never taken for ownership and responsibility for my life.

It has been a jaunty journey for me since leaving high school. My world was torn apart by one particular person on one particular night. I spent months destroying myself and then months rebuilding. And while I was still teetering on the edge of sanity and being a 100% happy healthy person again, someone destroyed me again, this time without me even realising.

I was worn out and torn back down to a fragile, drug dependent, obsessed-with-social-hierarchy kinda person. It took me a while to realise this person had complete and utter control over my life: my decisions and my emotions. I had unknowingly given her all the power and yet I was the one who suffered the repercussions. It is never a good thing to depend your life on someone else, but it is worse when this person is morally disturbed themselves.

All my own promises to myself, my goals, dreams, morals and plans were shattered and replaces with the dead morals and plans of someone stuck in a cynical cycle of self-loathing.

After giving up control, of my life consisted of waking up and avoiding struggle by skirting around any challenges. This made me weaker and regretful. I never hated myself but by the end of the relationship I had feelings I never thought I could conjure up again, and I was back to square one: destroyed.

I feel the need to start rebuilding. To make new promises to myself and to know that I am the only one in control of my life. I am still learning what it means to spark my motivation, and to be consistent, but at least I will grow and not become weaker.

little bit of love

I wrote the following about a month ago, but never posted it. For some reason my lack of inspiration on the topic left me a little uneasy, so I never gathered my thoughts entirely to form a comprehensive impression. I wrote it because I knew deep down I was ready to love, but couldn't quite put a finger on how I was meant to feel.


         I've never been a huge fan of romance. The idea of it can excite me, but I can never find myself sitting through a rom-com or romance novel and actually enjoying it. Maybe the ideas are just too far-fetched for me.
I used to write a lot about love and being in love. One thing I realised recently is I don't even think about it anymore: I used to daydream about falling in love with someone. Just like every other teenage girl who pictures herself locking eyes with the enticing stranger across the room; you gravitate towards each- other, like an irresistible urge because of some unwritten rules of the universe that declared you both to meet.
I can't even write creatively about love anymore, because I don't feel the things I used to and I don't think the way I used to. Part of me wants to blame that on what happened last year, and that somehow my capacity to fall in love has diminished. I do put trust into people too easily, but I struggle to connect on that deeper level and ultimately my uncertainty about love has ruined the only two relationships I've been in. I don't think I've ever looked at a partner as if they're my whole world. The love that I have felt towards people in the past has always been temporary, fleeting, and I've been aware of that since all the first "I love you"'s. I think I want to be in love, but at the same time I don't know what that is and it scares me.


Since writing the above, I have learnt a lot about love. I realised its not necessarily just the way you feel about someone. It came to me suddenly, unlike my past relationships where I felt my love growing for someone, it was a sudden understanding that this person is the best thing I can hold on to right now. It was not threatening like it had been in the past, there was no hesitancy and saying it out loud felt encouraging rather than feeling like chance thrown to the wind. I have always loved my past relationships, I spent most of that time looking for reasons to fall in love and gradually we became close enough to call it that. The difference now is that I didn't have to look for reasons. I didn't have to consult my mind and compare it to the universe to find our place in it.

I still cannot say I know entirely everything there is to know about love, but I'm excited and I'm ready to find out.

It's funny how
I spent so long trying to quiet my mind
 then I was silenced;
and I ached abruptly and intolerably
to feel again.

I spun worlds where I could understand such sentient creatures,
but it was just a failure to grasp the truth that
millions upon millions of artisans handmade
my feelings.

Because of you,
because I am absorbed in your thinking,
there is no more longing to understand
myself.

Though we are running out of drugs,
and conversations running dry,
I wouldn't take back one stupid decision
 for 5 more years of life.

other people

Something I've never been able to get my head around, is the simple truth that everyone else is as real as you. Everyone has their own thoughts/desires/idea's and mantras and it genuinely fucks me up how differently people can think from the way I do.

It has always intrigued me how we can experience things, but what I take from it can be entirely different to how someone else perceives it. I like to say I try to see the best in all things, but sometimes its harder to be so positive. However, it's extremely disheartening when people intentionally refuse to see a bigger picture, to see over and above a timely shortcoming or delusion. It's important that your view on the world is uninfluenced by the people you surround yourself with, which is hard of course, soon after being around someone their thoughts/desires/idea's start to infiltrate yours. As humans it is natural for us to sense and match the emotional energy around us. This energy, at best, is an emotionally bleak space created by cynical and confused people operating on little sleep, with a frantic desire to be somewhere, doing something entirely different. 

However, it is not in our human nature to be lazy, greedy and pessimistic. Sadly, our world has become one where tragically, more people are fascinated by materialism and by the lives of other detached narcissists than by their own life experiences. 

Fortunately, for all the people that pick out the worlds flaws and emanate their cynical and defeatist attitudes, there are their counterparts. To live the good life, it is almost a requirement to be able to transform the energy we feel at any moment; to not abandon hope and say that the world is too cruel and stressful, and that the situations we find ourselves in are destined to dominate our lives and feelings. It seems foreign to me, but there are people in the world who practice this. There are the people who are fully aware of the agency they have to activate the very energy and emotion through which they experience life. The people who see the best in all things and these people serve as a blinding reminder to me that there is much to be grateful for in this seemingly dark world. 

I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo, I'm trying not to allow my mind to conform to the reality that the bored, fearful and sullen people of the world are trying to make it. I'm trying not to get sucked into this whirlpool of negativity, to actually be able to choose at any moment, the palette of my emotional sky. I want vitality, freedom and positivity. 

bored

I think I'm over trying to explain everything to myself. I'm finally done trying to analyse and explain the things I see and experience.

It seems as though every time I seem to get a grasp of a concept, every time I finally get my head around my life and my situation something throws me off balance and I'm left questioning everything and analysing everything and trying to make sense of everything.

Things that I thought existed don't; nothing really, actually and entirely makes sense. I can see things and here things and form ideas about things but when I come back to them they feel so distant and foreign. Its like I see something as one way, then when i go back to it its something completely different. Things that I once found familiar suddenly feel foreign and distant and it happens quickly like a switch flipped.

And I'm going to have to be okay with that.

Now I just have to learn to accept things the way they are. There is no use in trying to figure out why things happen and how they happen. All i've been able to think/ write about recently is a whole lot of dribble with no real deeper meaning and that bothers me. Words have just been a sequence of letters that form no coherent purpose.

I just need to learn to be okay with things, to open my mind again. I think thats part of the reason I've not been able to write creatively. My mind has been restricted. I want those endless and unlimited and infinite thoughts ideas and passions and beliefs back; but my mind has been limited to thinking purely of the issues I currently face. Even I'm getting bored with myself. Maybe its the rain, or the lack of cigarettes that leave me searching deeper and deeper into the nothingness in my mind, which, not surpisingly makes me feel a bit empty. Like I'm looking for something I know isn't there

i don't need jesus

I haven't written in a while, I don't know why I figured nows the best time to gather my thoughts, maybe because this is the first time in weeks I've felt truly alone.

Not a bad thing of course, I like my own company- for the most part. I'm in my favourite place again: by the window, with my durries and my morning coffee. Its rainy and unusually quiet for 8am.  I like the fact that most people choose to walk to work, theres a couple of schools in the area too so typically families will walk by with their dogs on their way to drop the children off. But its raining, so maybe everyone else, not unlike me, decided today's a great day to stay inside.

I can't believe its already November, it's a cliché and all but the years definitely go by quicker and quicker. The years go fast but the days go slow, unsurprisingly. I talk about decisions a lot, and the decisions I make which probably gets a bit old for any readers - I'll get there one day but for the minute the content I write is just for me. It's because I'm a bit fucked up at the moment but I know exactly why, its the decisions I face that weigh so heavily on my life and my current situation.

Everyone's faced with decisions so I shouldn't be complaining. It's decisions that fuck me up, that makes me think everything is worse than it is. It's because you carry the weight of both consequences, every single possible outcome and all the "what if's". Maybe my brains just too over active for own good but its the "what if's" that occupy my entire thinking space. It puts pressure on every aspect of any given situation.

How people handle pressure and stress has always puzzled me, and I've given it a lot of thought. Some people can realign themselves doing things like taking a walk in the sunshine, or having a really long hot shower. Other people take to more drastic measures like changing their entire lifestyle or finding the light of of the lord. I've genuinely thought about that. At the worst of times I've joked about how much I need Jesus and actually considered taking my sorry ass to Church. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective.

But nah, Jesus isn't for me. Nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight.

While I like my own company, in my room or by the window, I need to learn how to stand alone in the world - as an individual, where the decisions are completely mine, uninfluenced by anything else. I figure it might help me see more clearly, but alas the thought of being entirely responsible for my own life is daunting. I guess thats just part of being an adult right, it's time to grow the fuck up and stop being afraid of the "what if's". Its hard learning to let them come as they may, but even harder trying to figure out how to handle life when you're only looking two steps ahead of you.

I think that's called being at peace, making a judgement and staying true to it, despite the infinite amount of possible outcomes. I'm working on it.