It's funny how
I spent so long trying to quiet my mind
then I was silenced;
and I ached abruptly and intolerably
to feel again.
I spun worlds where I could understand such sentient creatures,
but it was just a failure to grasp the truth that
millions upon millions of artisans handmade
my feelings.
Because of you,
because I am absorbed in your thinking,
there is no more longing to understand
myself.
Though we are running out of drugs,
and conversations running dry,
I wouldn't take back one stupid decision
for 5 more years of life.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
other people
Something I've never been able to get my head around, is the simple truth that everyone else is as real as you. Everyone has their own thoughts/desires/idea's and mantras and it genuinely fucks me up how differently people can think from the way I do.
It has always intrigued me how we can experience things, but what I take from it can be entirely different to how someone else perceives it. I like to say I try to see the best in all things, but sometimes its harder to be so positive. However, it's extremely disheartening when people intentionally refuse to see a bigger picture, to see over and above a timely shortcoming or delusion. It's important that your view on the world is uninfluenced by the people you surround yourself with, which is hard of course, soon after being around someone their thoughts/desires/idea's start to infiltrate yours. As humans it is natural for us to sense and match the emotional energy around us. This energy, at best, is an emotionally bleak space created by cynical and confused people operating on little sleep, with a frantic desire to be somewhere, doing something entirely different.
However, it is not in our human nature to be lazy, greedy and pessimistic. Sadly, our world has become one where tragically, more people are fascinated by materialism and by the lives of other detached narcissists than by their own life experiences.
Fortunately, for all the people that pick out the worlds flaws and emanate their cynical and defeatist attitudes, there are their counterparts. To live the good life, it is almost a requirement to be able to transform the energy we feel at any moment; to not abandon hope and say that the world is too cruel and stressful, and that the situations we find ourselves in are destined to dominate our lives and feelings. It seems foreign to me, but there are people in the world who practice this. There are the people who are fully aware of the agency they have to activate the very energy and emotion through which they experience life. The people who see the best in all things and these people serve as a blinding reminder to me that there is much to be grateful for in this seemingly dark world.
I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo, I'm trying not to allow my mind to conform to the reality that the bored, fearful and sullen people of the world are trying to make it. I'm trying not to get sucked into this whirlpool of negativity, to actually be able to choose at any moment, the palette of my emotional sky. I want vitality, freedom and positivity.
Monday, November 7, 2016
bored
I think I'm over trying to explain everything to myself. I'm finally done trying to analyse and explain the things I see and experience.
It seems as though every time I seem to get a grasp of a concept, every time I finally get my head around my life and my situation something throws me off balance and I'm left questioning everything and analysing everything and trying to make sense of everything.
Things that I thought existed don't; nothing really, actually and entirely makes sense. I can see things and here things and form ideas about things but when I come back to them they feel so distant and foreign. Its like I see something as one way, then when i go back to it its something completely different. Things that I once found familiar suddenly feel foreign and distant and it happens quickly like a switch flipped.
And I'm going to have to be okay with that.
Now I just have to learn to accept things the way they are. There is no use in trying to figure out why things happen and how they happen. All i've been able to think/ write about recently is a whole lot of dribble with no real deeper meaning and that bothers me. Words have just been a sequence of letters that form no coherent purpose.
I just need to learn to be okay with things, to open my mind again. I think thats part of the reason I've not been able to write creatively. My mind has been restricted. I want those endless and unlimited and infinite thoughts ideas and passions and beliefs back; but my mind has been limited to thinking purely of the issues I currently face. Even I'm getting bored with myself. Maybe its the rain, or the lack of cigarettes that leave me searching deeper and deeper into the nothingness in my mind, which, not surpisingly makes me feel a bit empty. Like I'm looking for something I know isn't there
It seems as though every time I seem to get a grasp of a concept, every time I finally get my head around my life and my situation something throws me off balance and I'm left questioning everything and analysing everything and trying to make sense of everything.
Things that I thought existed don't; nothing really, actually and entirely makes sense. I can see things and here things and form ideas about things but when I come back to them they feel so distant and foreign. Its like I see something as one way, then when i go back to it its something completely different. Things that I once found familiar suddenly feel foreign and distant and it happens quickly like a switch flipped.
And I'm going to have to be okay with that.
Now I just have to learn to accept things the way they are. There is no use in trying to figure out why things happen and how they happen. All i've been able to think/ write about recently is a whole lot of dribble with no real deeper meaning and that bothers me. Words have just been a sequence of letters that form no coherent purpose.
I just need to learn to be okay with things, to open my mind again. I think thats part of the reason I've not been able to write creatively. My mind has been restricted. I want those endless and unlimited and infinite thoughts ideas and passions and beliefs back; but my mind has been limited to thinking purely of the issues I currently face. Even I'm getting bored with myself. Maybe its the rain, or the lack of cigarettes that leave me searching deeper and deeper into the nothingness in my mind, which, not surpisingly makes me feel a bit empty. Like I'm looking for something I know isn't there
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
i don't need jesus
I haven't written in a while, I don't know why I figured nows the best time to gather my thoughts, maybe because this is the first time in weeks I've felt truly alone.
Not a bad thing of course, I like my own company- for the most part. I'm in my favourite place again: by the window, with my durries and my morning coffee. Its rainy and unusually quiet for 8am. I like the fact that most people choose to walk to work, theres a couple of schools in the area too so typically families will walk by with their dogs on their way to drop the children off. But its raining, so maybe everyone else, not unlike me, decided today's a great day to stay inside.
I can't believe its already November, it's a cliché and all but the years definitely go by quicker and quicker. The years go fast but the days go slow, unsurprisingly. I talk about decisions a lot, and the decisions I make which probably gets a bit old for any readers - I'll get there one day but for the minute the content I write is just for me. It's because I'm a bit fucked up at the moment but I know exactly why, its the decisions I face that weigh so heavily on my life and my current situation.
Everyone's faced with decisions so I shouldn't be complaining. It's decisions that fuck me up, that makes me think everything is worse than it is. It's because you carry the weight of both consequences, every single possible outcome and all the "what if's". Maybe my brains just too over active for own good but its the "what if's" that occupy my entire thinking space. It puts pressure on every aspect of any given situation.
How people handle pressure and stress has always puzzled me, and I've given it a lot of thought. Some people can realign themselves doing things like taking a walk in the sunshine, or having a really long hot shower. Other people take to more drastic measures like changing their entire lifestyle or finding the light of of the lord. I've genuinely thought about that. At the worst of times I've joked about how much I need Jesus and actually considered taking my sorry ass to Church. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective.
But nah, Jesus isn't for me. Nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight.
While I like my own company, in my room or by the window, I need to learn how to stand alone in the world - as an individual, where the decisions are completely mine, uninfluenced by anything else. I figure it might help me see more clearly, but alas the thought of being entirely responsible for my own life is daunting. I guess thats just part of being an adult right, it's time to grow the fuck up and stop being afraid of the "what if's". Its hard learning to let them come as they may, but even harder trying to figure out how to handle life when you're only looking two steps ahead of you.
I think that's called being at peace, making a judgement and staying true to it, despite the infinite amount of possible outcomes. I'm working on it.
Not a bad thing of course, I like my own company- for the most part. I'm in my favourite place again: by the window, with my durries and my morning coffee. Its rainy and unusually quiet for 8am. I like the fact that most people choose to walk to work, theres a couple of schools in the area too so typically families will walk by with their dogs on their way to drop the children off. But its raining, so maybe everyone else, not unlike me, decided today's a great day to stay inside.
I can't believe its already November, it's a cliché and all but the years definitely go by quicker and quicker. The years go fast but the days go slow, unsurprisingly. I talk about decisions a lot, and the decisions I make which probably gets a bit old for any readers - I'll get there one day but for the minute the content I write is just for me. It's because I'm a bit fucked up at the moment but I know exactly why, its the decisions I face that weigh so heavily on my life and my current situation.
Everyone's faced with decisions so I shouldn't be complaining. It's decisions that fuck me up, that makes me think everything is worse than it is. It's because you carry the weight of both consequences, every single possible outcome and all the "what if's". Maybe my brains just too over active for own good but its the "what if's" that occupy my entire thinking space. It puts pressure on every aspect of any given situation.
How people handle pressure and stress has always puzzled me, and I've given it a lot of thought. Some people can realign themselves doing things like taking a walk in the sunshine, or having a really long hot shower. Other people take to more drastic measures like changing their entire lifestyle or finding the light of of the lord. I've genuinely thought about that. At the worst of times I've joked about how much I need Jesus and actually considered taking my sorry ass to Church. Maybe I just needed a change of perspective.
But nah, Jesus isn't for me. Nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight.
While I like my own company, in my room or by the window, I need to learn how to stand alone in the world - as an individual, where the decisions are completely mine, uninfluenced by anything else. I figure it might help me see more clearly, but alas the thought of being entirely responsible for my own life is daunting. I guess thats just part of being an adult right, it's time to grow the fuck up and stop being afraid of the "what if's". Its hard learning to let them come as they may, but even harder trying to figure out how to handle life when you're only looking two steps ahead of you.
I think that's called being at peace, making a judgement and staying true to it, despite the infinite amount of possible outcomes. I'm working on it.
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