the school thing

I can't do the school thing anymore.

I just can't do it. I've forgotten how. Literally I've lost all motivation for everything concerning high school, and I can see how much that's hurting my parents.
For all the right reasons, I'm doing it for them. Because I am their only child if I fail at life they fail at life. Of course I want to succeed and I want to get a job and a family and all that jazz. But I'm 17. The only thing I think about regarding the future is what I'm having for dinner tonight and when the next time I can get drunk is.

So I'm over the school thing. I started my final year of high school super keen and actually excited about learning my new subjects. Then I'm not entirely sure what happened. After the rowing season (which ended in march) I didn't do all the things I had planned on doing. Which was: study and keep on top of my subjects, exercise daily and keep up my rowing fitness, and apply for scholarships to row for universities over seas. After the rowing season, there was no way I wanted to keep rowing. So that blew my scholarship idea out of the water, and tore my mother apart.
And Im sure the only reason it hurt her so bad was because 'I had so much potential I was just throwing away.' But thats all I've ever been. This great big block of walking potential that was never lived up to. Applicable to 1) when I would swim competitively (which I also quit much to my mothers despair.) 2) My school work and studies, you're so smart if you just studied more you could be Dux or whatever!
3) Rowing. I had the 'body of an olympic rower' I just never tried hard enough. But I quit that so another big waste of potential!
Thats why it hurts my parents so much, I'm sure. And of course I don't want to hurt them, but I feel like I had just dug myself so deep in this hole that it would literally take like a rocket powered engine to get me back onto earths surface. That is why it hurt my parents so much to see my self esteem plummet and my complete loss of motivation for life.

So I can't do the school thing anymore, and it's at that time of year when I really should be doing the school thing plus more. I pretty much only study because I know it makes my parents happy, yeah getting good marks makes me happy too. But primarily, I'm doing it for them and they're my motivation.

Nothing sucks more than knowing you have nil motivation, therefore not having the motivation to change it. I know its entirely up to me but at the same time theres nothing there and theres nothing within myself to change.

I hate this feeling.

Thanks,
Bee