Rest

Words can not describe how badly I want to rest.
Just for a while.
I just want to rest somewhere else, somewhere by myself. Where I can surround myself with words and rhythms and monochrome colors.
A different kind of rest than sleeping. I find that I am the most uncomfortable when I lay down at night, when my thoughts run wild.

I want the kind of rest you feel when you are the most comfortable. I constantly crave something else. I want the kind of rest you feel when you drink your hot coffee on a rainy day on the 12th floor of your building. I want the kind of rest you feel when you arrange those sunflowers you hand picked in a glass vase on your desk top. I want the kind of rest you feel as you sit on the last afternoon bus and re-read your favorite pages from your favorite book. I want the kind of rest you feel as you drive through the night under the street lights and listen to the music you once received as a present from a lost love.

I just want the tension in my head and in my body to go away.

Rest with me for a while.
Lay in my arms, so I can hear your heart beating.


Bee

the school thing

I can't do the school thing anymore.

I just can't do it. I've forgotten how. Literally I've lost all motivation for everything concerning high school, and I can see how much that's hurting my parents.
For all the right reasons, I'm doing it for them. Because I am their only child if I fail at life they fail at life. Of course I want to succeed and I want to get a job and a family and all that jazz. But I'm 17. The only thing I think about regarding the future is what I'm having for dinner tonight and when the next time I can get drunk is.

So I'm over the school thing. I started my final year of high school super keen and actually excited about learning my new subjects. Then I'm not entirely sure what happened. After the rowing season (which ended in march) I didn't do all the things I had planned on doing. Which was: study and keep on top of my subjects, exercise daily and keep up my rowing fitness, and apply for scholarships to row for universities over seas. After the rowing season, there was no way I wanted to keep rowing. So that blew my scholarship idea out of the water, and tore my mother apart.
And Im sure the only reason it hurt her so bad was because 'I had so much potential I was just throwing away.' But thats all I've ever been. This great big block of walking potential that was never lived up to. Applicable to 1) when I would swim competitively (which I also quit much to my mothers despair.) 2) My school work and studies, you're so smart if you just studied more you could be Dux or whatever!
3) Rowing. I had the 'body of an olympic rower' I just never tried hard enough. But I quit that so another big waste of potential!
Thats why it hurts my parents so much, I'm sure. And of course I don't want to hurt them, but I feel like I had just dug myself so deep in this hole that it would literally take like a rocket powered engine to get me back onto earths surface. That is why it hurt my parents so much to see my self esteem plummet and my complete loss of motivation for life.

So I can't do the school thing anymore, and it's at that time of year when I really should be doing the school thing plus more. I pretty much only study because I know it makes my parents happy, yeah getting good marks makes me happy too. But primarily, I'm doing it for them and they're my motivation.

Nothing sucks more than knowing you have nil motivation, therefore not having the motivation to change it. I know its entirely up to me but at the same time theres nothing there and theres nothing within myself to change.

I hate this feeling.

Thanks,
Bee

Trust

Sometimes I wish we could open ourselves up to each other as much as we do to the sky. Because there is something about the stars that makes you realize both the smallness and the enormity of everything.

And there is something about opening yourself up to someone that makes you realize the dimensions within yourself, and the hundreds of layers within your mind that no one will ever understand as much as you do yourself, and even you don't fully understand
I like to think I am a very open person. I put a lot of trust into literally everyone. Mostly because I believe that what you give is what you get. When people come to me with their deepest fears or confessions, It makes me feel needed. And in all honesty I need someone to confide in because theres no way I could confide in myself.

Theres always writing I suppose. I would write a lot when I didn't feel like talking to anyone. Mostly lists of words though, no actual sentences. Just all the words that come into my head at that moment. Then later, I might go back to that list of words and arrange them in some way that makes sense.

I want people to write me lists just as I write for them.
So many words I have dedicated to people that more than likely would never dedicate a thing to me.

Small rant.

Thanks,
Bee

where i am

I sit stationary in a dead classroom, with teenagers thriving with blood made of finite hope: Screaming but remaining voiceless; living but suffering in stark.

I am not here; I am anywhere else.

I am the little shadow that runs across the grass and looses itself in the sunset. I am the flash of a firefly in the night sky. I am the loose strand of wind- tousled hair that dances on her bare shoulder. I am the live music that bites through your skins and mixes with nerves and veins. I am the thin air and the sinking grass, the lace patterns of light and shadow.

I am there.