Labyrinth

I've never really been at a loss for words. If there's one thing that's always there for me, its words. Because words can explain so much of what goes on inside my head, and thats comforting. For once in my life I couldn't fathom the feelings of suffering and aching torment into words because it would be an understatement.

No,  this isn't another blog post dedicated to 'him'. This blog post is for me, he doesn't deserve the recognition.

But I think I'm ready to write it all down.

I was struggling with the relationship, I wanted more and expected more out of him. I was sick of hearing compliment after compliment, I wasn't getting what I wanted so naturally I confronted him about it. I wanted something deeper, I wanted more substance but he wasn't able and willing to do the same. I was having doubts so I told him, but I didn't tell him what I wanted because when I was away I came to some distorted conclusion that I might not actually need him. I was wrong. I loved him of course I loved him. I never saw us as being separate, even when I was on the other side of the world. I promoted the fact that I had this amazing boyfriend back home, I bragged about it to people I met and to my family. Even though I might have not been 100% happy with the relationship, there was still this incredible person back home that I got to call mine.

The closer I got to coming home the more I wanted to see him. I felt like being away just reassured me that I really did want to be with him. I literally smiled the whole plane ride home because I knew that with each passing minute I was getting closer to seeing him.
But when I arrived back home I didn't get to see him. It was like as soon as I got home he changed his attitude completely. He didn't want to talk, and even when we were he was vacant. Concerned and upset I asked the question 'do you still want to be with me?'.

I'm not going to go into detail of what happened from the friday night to the sunday night. It was an extremely prolonged break up details are not really necessary.

He hurt me, and he knows it. I'm struggling to get words out. As I type my wrists ache and my fingers feel as though they're filling with cement.
When I was away my boyfriend did something I never could have imagined him doing. Especially when all I got from him is how much he was in love with me. I thought he was a different person. But he is nothing to brag about, not anymore. I'm not going to make this a sour post, because he made me so happy, so so incredibly happy. I thought I made him happy too. But after he did what he did I had to question every single moment I had with him, I had to question all the words he spoke to me because if he mean't them I wouldn't be sitting here today typing this. I just need to forget what I feel for him and remember what I deserve. Because even after all of this I still love him with the shattered pieces of my broken heart.

No he doesn't deserve these words he doesn't deserve this attention but its somewhat therapeutic. I hope he reads this and knows that I still think about him every second of every day, his name is in the back of my mind constantly, over ruling every decision that I make. Also he needs to know that I don't take back anything I've said, every word I wrote for him I mean't, even though he might not be able to say the same. I really fucking love(d) him.
 But when someone says his name out loud it makes me physically sick to my stomach. Sick not because of hatred or jealousy. Sick because no one has ever made me feel so worthless and when I hear his name I am reminded that someone who I thought cared so much about me, can with no hesitation tear everything we built together into a million pieces. I can't wait for the day when I can hear his name and feel absolutely nothing.
I'm trying to take this peacefully and remember the good times we had together, but every time something sparks a memory of us it is immediately disrupted by the thought of his tongue down someone else's throat and his hands on someone else's bare body.

But what hurts the most: the fact that he was willing to give up on us so easily. It seemed to be standard for him, to fuck up and just leave. If he loved me as much as he said he did then he wouldn't have just left. He would have fought for my forgiveness. He didn't fight for us he just gave up. And how he could give up on me so easily is what hurts the most.

He hurt me? no hurt is by far an understatement.

I don't care that I am young and not married or whatever. These are real feelings and don't you dare doubt that I know what I'm talking about.

And no, I will no longer be his "Bee" because that was supposed to be something that forever reminded me of my first love. I don't want to be "his" if this is how he treats me.

My name is Anna I am my own person I can look after myself I don't need to be someone's to validate me I am my own being I have a labyrinth inside of me and I am not sorry.

I feel better now. I'll need to find a new way of signing off my posts.