It's hard for me to comprehend how much my life has changed, and how much I've been through.
I almost feel like I haven't quite dealt with it yet, I haven't fully accepted all the different phases of my life I've moved through and left behind. I don't understand why I feel nostalgia for such a horribly sad time for me.
It's almost like I completely forgot a whole portion of my life, which might explain recent and prolonged feelings of 'somethings missing' and feelings of 'somethings not quite right'. Because I wasn't meant to just forget everything I've been through, we're not meant to push down our past.
I had a moment where all of a sudden every feeling of trauma and utter sadness and feelings of hopelessness I have experienced over my life-span just came over me. I wasn't ready for the world, it hit me so hard and I didn't know how to handle it. I did a lot of things I was ashamed of, I put myself through hell and destroyed who I was, and since then I have struggled to know who I really truly am.
Don't get me wrong I am happy with my life, I'm happy with my partner and where we are and what we are moving through right now. But I also feel like I am on the brink of something, like I might really be finding who I am and what I was meant to do in this life. I feel as though I'm searching, I'm really pushing for this person I want to be, I'm not letting it find me.
I look back on moments from my past and it still feels fresh. Mentally I think I am in the best place I have been in years. I can still so strongly relate to how I was before and yet I feel so detached, I spend 90% suppressing those memories.
I wonder if by acknowledging my past and my traumas, I can move through them. I still feel as though I am held back in some way. I accept that I experienced life in this way, and this is what has brought me here today. Without change there would be no growth. I am on this journey, I chose to experience what I have in order to grow, I need to let happen what happens.
