Saturday, February 25, 2017

promises

It's a terrible thing to make a promise to somebody and not to keep it. But it is worse to make promises to yourself and not to keep them. Its morally defeating. Not only do you start to question your own faith, but your own sanity. Why would I tell myself something which I know deep down is possibly unrealistic? But we don't make promises on the grounds of "this is something that is indefinitely going to happen to me in time". We make promises to ourselves because it gives us a sense of hope, not a sense of certainty. It is entirely up to us, our moral fabric to fulfil these promises.

But with that, unfortunately comes the risk of not wishing hard enough, our makings and our fabric not being strong enough so our promises are never met. Which can make you wonder why you'd ever make promises to yourself in the first place. It is degrading, how could you have let this happen? What got in your way one day that you became so unfocused on what you really want?

What has always been difficult for me was understanding the power of my own mind, and the supremacy I have over my own life and what I want for myself. It is easy enough to say that if you ave the will and determination then all your dreams will come true, but it is harder to entirely comprehend that reality. Thats something I've never been able to get my head around. For me, it is easy to succumb to the world and let it work around me, while I get to sit in it and let what happens happen. That way everyone and everything is to blame but me. I've never taken for ownership and responsibility for my life.

It has been a jaunty journey for me since leaving high school. My world was torn apart by one particular person on one particular night. I spent months destroying myself and then months rebuilding. And while I was still teetering on the edge of sanity and being a 100% happy healthy person again, someone destroyed me again, this time without me even realising.

I was worn out and torn back down to a fragile, drug dependent, obsessed-with-social-hierarchy kinda person. It took me a while to realise this person had complete and utter control over my life: my decisions and my emotions. I had unknowingly given her all the power and yet I was the one who suffered the repercussions. It is never a good thing to depend your life on someone else, but it is worse when this person is morally disturbed themselves.

All my own promises to myself, my goals, dreams, morals and plans were shattered and replaces with the dead morals and plans of someone stuck in a cynical cycle of self-loathing.

After giving up control, of my life consisted of waking up and avoiding struggle by skirting around any challenges. This made me weaker and regretful. I never hated myself but by the end of the relationship I had feelings I never thought I could conjure up again, and I was back to square one: destroyed.

I feel the need to start rebuilding. To make new promises to myself and to know that I am the only one in control of my life. I am still learning what it means to spark my motivation, and to be consistent, but at least I will grow and not become weaker.