It's really hard to figure out who you are when you have someone constantly manipulating your every move. And not just someone, everyone.
I'm talking about how everyone else has agency over the decisions I make.
I just want to fly off the grid, work on myself, so that when I re-emerge, people won't see the me that I present myself as on social media, but they will see an actual me. It's naive of me to say that my current routine is working, that I'm on some path of self- discovery and that everything is justifiable because I'm young and mistakes will be made but at least I'm still growing.
But I'm not growing, not at all. I'm at a complete stand still. I'm not working on myself I'm working on my image, because after all, all that matters to me is what people see not whats actually going on. In fact it might actually be safe to say that I'm going backwards. I'm retreating into my little black whole where theres gratifying instant euphoria and devastating consequences. But once you're in there, every decision you make is blurred by that darkness, you can't see the outside world properly, so it doesn't matter.
Someone teach me how to not be a push over, how to stand up for myself and what I believe in. And not let this darkness override my decisions. I need to start doing my own thing and living my own life, its emotionally taxing when you live by the rules and mantras of someone else, or everyone else. I sound like I'm blaming the world and not myself, but I'm a part of it. A part of this egotistical game of self- destruction that everyones trying to win.
Someone teach me how to just straight up say no, but I'm always wary of how that might make someone feel. I constantly worry about how the consequences affect everyone else, and not myself, because as long as I can keep them happy and free from conflict, then thats fine. I just wish I didn't have to care so much about what other people think.
When I make decisions I need to learn to make them for myself, putting my own needs first rather than that of others. Truthfully, no body else cares. I think thats the realisation that's inspired my latest personal quest, no one cares how I spent my saturday night, or my sunday morning. No one cares what drugs I did or how much I fucked myself up. People don't need to know all about the decisions I make, because I'm not making them for everyone else, I have to make them for me.
I know deep down that the decisions I'm making are not making me feel good, and I know that for a fact, theres no way of talking myself out of it. I know what power this has over my life. Now that I'm finally gathering my thoughts I can set goals for myself that aren't just materialistic, like saving money, and loosing weight, and getting a job. Those things will come, if I can invest the time into myself to work on these goals:
- Practice mindfulness. Don't retreat into that hole/ dark place, be present, recognise when you're faced with a decision.
- Don't be afraid of hard work. Life isn't especially cruel to you, everyone else is as real as you are and everyone else has their own demons to face.
- Listen to your body. If you're tired, sleep. If you're hungry, eat. This is your one and only, huring your body will hurt your mind. Be good to yourself.
- Don't make decisions out of fear.
- Don't make decisions for superficial happiness.
- Remain faithful to yourself, you are stronger than you think.
I want to gain my confidence back, I want to get out of life what I deserve, and I don't deserve to be fucking myself up anymore. I am worthy of a much much better life, and its entirely up to me.
