I was so excited to go home all day, back to the flat, back to my happy place. So why is it that as soon as I walk in the doors to the airport I immediately want to cry. And I did I actually cried, I had to hide in the bathroom. My brain is moving one million miles a minute and I can't keep up even with my own thoughts. I bought a book, I've been meaning to read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest ever since we watched it for AS psychology. I just needed something to distract me and the airport wifi only lets you log in for half an hour a day.
I don't know why I feel so sad, I can't explain it in any way other than the fact that I'm just having a really really hard time being human. I think it is really hard to be a human. You have all these expectations and intentions written for you from the minute you were born. There are so many things you have to juggle in order to simply be a functioning human.
I think thats all I felt in that moment. Have you ever experienced that? A moment in time when every other feeling or sensations suddenly become numb, and all you can feel is this one overwhelming presenting concern. It takes over your mind momentarily, when everything becomes blurry. I didn't want to get on that plane but I couldn't sit forever in the dully lit gate lounge, so I panicked, naturally.
A few days later and I'm feeling pretty content. It being the first day back at uni I feel I should be more apprehensive, strangely I feel really happy. Yes, I got stoned but I don't think that has anything to do with my over all sense of contentment. I lost my headphones so I had to sit on the bus in silence, usually this would stress me the fuck out but today I genuinely enjoyed my bus trip. It was busier than usual, but that didn't bother me. I felt independent for some reason, like for once everything felt some what in alignment. Its the first day of my period too, so I'm surprised I don't hate myself more. Maybe its in the stars, maybe my moon and my stars just fall in to place for me at the moment. I know I couldn't stay here forever, in this contentment. But it's nice to just be at peace with everything for a moment.
How my mental state can go from one extreme to another like this, I have no idea.
