If I'm going to be completely honest, I have never been more unsure, more doubtful about any
decision I've made in my life so far.
Real talk.
At the start of the year I moved cities to study at university. Im happy I moved I really am, the thought of going back to generic suburbia makes me feel queasy. But for some reason, recently I've been feeling something I struggle to explain. It's a sort of disconnect. Sometimes I get the feeling like I want to go home, but I don't want to go back to where I am from, and I don't entirely want to be here. If that makes sense? I know it doesn't. These past few weeks of emotional trauma have been me debating and internalising; trying to make sense of this.
So, I'm starting to question everything... My course, my classes, my friends, my decisions. I don't feel happy in my body anymore, even more so, I don't feel part of it. Here's me, and there's my body. On top of that I feel guilty. An overwhelming sense of guilt. For a number of reasons, and for most of the decisions I've made. Some examples: the amount of time I choose drinking vs the amount of time I choose to study; the amount of money I choose to spend on food/alcohol vs the amount of money I choose to spend on things I actually need (like my drivers license which is uh.. two years in the making); and the amount of energy I use for late night trips to the metro vs the energy I could be using for late study study sessions.
All my blog posts are honest, but this is a little harder for me to type out. I'm going to admit, you might have already figured, I am so far behind in my study. In fact, its safe to say I don't study at all. And it's not because I'm not interest or because I don't want to... I am just really really struggling. I'm struggling to get to sleep at night then I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm struggling because I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not the person I used to be; and thats frustrating more than anything. It's frustrating because I don't want to live like this: not doing anything because I'm miserable and being miserable because I'm not doing anything. I'm already disappointing my parents and they don't know the half of what's going on.
It's not like I really want to spend the whole day in bed, I mean I want to, but I don't want it for me... Does that make any sense at all? I could very easily spend a whole day in bed, and then spend a whole night wide awake and stressing about the fact that I spent the whole day in bed. And then the next morning I can't even bring my sorry self get up and be productive.
I'm really trying not to lead this life... I plan to be productive and happy and constructive but when it comes to it I never can.
There was never a defining moment for me, when it suddenly all turned sour. I guess it just all built up and I started drowning in it. I've talked to people about it and I'm getting help and theres nothing I want more, this feeling which can only be explained as a loss of life; a loss of passion for life, to be gone.
In my mind, the only way I can see myself being happier is if I'm back in Holland. I think I've mentioned this before, it is the only place I've felt as my true home. I don't just like it because its foreign land and different and exciting; I love it because everything just feels familiar, in the way that I can walk the streets and feel a kind of peace and comfort that I feel nowhere else. Last year I used Holland as a way to motivate myself to study and do well so I can go on an exchange or I can get a good job so I'll have enough money to move there. But each day I just feel further and further away from it, and thats depressing.
Every week I make plans and I feel the need to regroup, but everyday it's like I get slapped back down and its paralysing. It is just frustrating. Its bleak and I hate it.
