Dynamic Peace

I was in a trance for the entire night, an unbroken state of ecstasy.
The music was loud and I liked it, it vibrated through my bones and stung my nerves.
I was consumed by the moment, not just the music, but the entirety of that moment.
It was the passing streetlights; the hazy red tail lights floating ahead; it was the ocean breeze that gyrated in the car and back out the open windows. It was the smell of the ocean, and the salt in my hair.
To my left an array of light and colour flashing. Opposite: a black, dense ocean, humming softly unifying with the beat of our music; the beat of my hot blood.
The cold ocean breeze mixed with the energy of the night, the air consumed me and I drank it.
It was the kind of night one would experience when suddenly, the concept of time, is no longer extant. It was in the moment that I realised, time stood completely still, and yet, the world rolled past me.
It was a dynamic peace. It was endless, thriving, pulsating. I was limitless, thriving, pulsating.

trials and tribulations

I think I can safely title this blog "the trials and tribulations of my relationship" because here it is, another post, about the same relationship that ended something like three months ago.

I think thats why I haven't written on here since we broke up, because my writing on this blog was almost entirely about him. I thought about starting up a new blog. New blog new year sort of thing. But I just haven't been as 'in-touch' with my feelings as I have been in the past. I think this summer, not having to worry about anything, exams or rowing or boyfriends.. has sort of allowed me to just not care. I've been so busy with other things, it was kind of nice to have a break from 'feeling'.

Alas, the feeling of 'not feeling' did not last long. Once the numbness had worn off I started thinking a lot, and far too deeply for my own good. All these emotions I once had and had suppressed  came to the surface again, like unfinished business. I was reminded of how I felt and how he made me feel; both when we were in a relationship and as soon as it ended.
Maybe its just me but I find it so strange that someone who can mean so much to someone else, can just be brushed away like dandruff off a shoulder.

I can't let go entirely yet, there is still a part of me holding on.. It's like I'm still waiting for things to just snap back to normal just as they did when they snapped suddenly out of place.

I remember every last detail about the last time I saw him. It was a really hard day! I was crying in the car going to drop him off at the bus station, I cried on the way home too. It was almost like I new that it would be the last time I saw him. But how could I have known? It's weird to think about how long ago it was since I last saw him, it only feels like literally last week. I walked with him to the bus stop, where passengers were smoking their last cigarettes and saying good bye to family members and loved ones. He put his bag in the luggage part under the bus after checking in with the bus driver, then he came back to me: His headphones wrapped around his neck, looking down he stepped closer and reached out for my hands. I pulled them around my waist and he kissed me. We lingered face to face but only for a moment, I had to look away of course, as I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I sensed that he didn't want to stay much longer either, both of us being terrible at goodbyes. He looked at his feet again, I stepped back, and he looked up at my eyes, and then to my mouth. He gave me one final peck on the lips and turned to walk away.

Of course I did the thing. The clichéd stop-and-look-back as I walked away. He was just stepping on to the bus, and that was the last time I saw him.

I'm working on it, I really am. I really really don't need him. But recently I've found comfort in reminiscing on our time together, which in turn, also made me feel utterly uncomfortable.

I've met new people. Some incredible, some not so much, and of course some more assholes. I'm living again and I'm living for myself, but he's still there in the back of my mind.
WHY. Can anyone riddle me this??? why am I still so attached.

Yours truly,

Anna