suffocate

they met wading in the shallows
beneath the evergreen
he breathed smoke and she
wanted to suffocate
by tomorrow they'll be
lost amongst the leaves

catch me alive
she spoke
hold me captive
chase, run
you'll loose

one foolish fragile touch
he tore every fibre

a screaming duet
hot, burning, explosive
inside her

he emerged triumphant, sweating
a thief of passion
she waited in the shallows
for someone else to
chase her.

one thousand histories

one thousand histories
entwined in two breaths
two gravities
he rides the cool air like me
hot hands
raw touch and wild hair
out of focus
eye to eye
keep me here

real talk

If I'm going to be completely honest, I have never been more unsure, more doubtful about any
decision I've made in my life so far.

Real talk.

At the start of the year I moved cities to study at university. Im happy I moved I really am, the thought of going back to generic suburbia makes me feel queasy. But for some reason, recently I've been feeling something I struggle to explain. It's a sort of disconnect. Sometimes I get the feeling like I want to go home, but I don't want to go back to where I am from, and I don't entirely want to be here. If that makes sense? I know it doesn't. These past few weeks of emotional trauma have been me debating and internalising; trying to make sense of this.

So, I'm starting to question everything... My course, my classes, my friends, my decisions. I don't feel happy in my body anymore, even more so, I don't feel part of it. Here's me, and there's my body. On top of that I feel guilty. An overwhelming sense of guilt. For a number of reasons, and for most of the decisions I've made. Some examples: the amount of time I choose drinking vs the amount of time I choose to study; the amount of money I choose to spend on food/alcohol vs the amount of money I choose to spend on things I actually need (like my drivers license which is uh.. two years in the making); and the amount of energy I use for late night trips to the metro vs the energy I could be using for late study study sessions.

All my blog posts are honest, but this is a little harder for me to type out. I'm going to admit, you might have already figured, I am so far behind in my study. In fact, its safe to say I don't study at all. And it's not because I'm not interest or because I don't want to... I am just really really struggling. I'm struggling to get to sleep at night then I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm struggling because I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not the person I used to be; and thats frustrating more than anything. It's frustrating because I don't want to live like this: not doing anything because I'm miserable and being miserable because I'm not doing anything. I'm already disappointing my parents and they don't know the half of what's going on.
It's not like I really want to spend the whole day in bed, I mean I want to, but I don't want it for me... Does that make any sense at all? I could very easily spend a whole day in bed, and then spend a whole night wide awake and stressing about the fact that I spent the whole day in bed. And then the next morning I can't even bring my sorry self get up and be productive.
I'm really trying not to lead this life... I plan to be productive and happy and constructive but when it comes to it I never can.

There was never a defining moment for me, when it suddenly all turned sour. I guess it just all built up and I started drowning in it. I've talked to people about it and I'm getting help and theres nothing I want more, this feeling which can only be explained as a loss of life; a loss of passion for life, to be gone.

In my mind, the only way I can see myself being happier is if I'm back in Holland. I think I've mentioned this before, it is the only place I've felt as my true home. I don't just like it because its foreign land and different and exciting; I love it because everything just feels familiar, in the way that I can walk the streets and feel a kind of peace and comfort that I feel nowhere else. Last year I used Holland as a way to motivate myself to study and do well so I can go on an exchange or I can get a good job so I'll have enough money to move there. But each day I just feel further and further away from it, and thats depressing.

Every week I make plans and I feel the need to regroup, but everyday it's like I get slapped back down and its paralysing. It is just frustrating. Its bleak and I hate it.

babys

it's different now

Everything is so different. Nothing is familiar anymore, I can't rest comfortably anymore; it's like I'm stuck in some sort of hazy subconscious.

I wish I could write like I used to. If I could still experience that gap between thinking and feeling: I could write. I want to visit that place again; the expanse, the in-between that sits just above my mind but not quite in the clouds. And I don't know if it's because I'm much happier or much sadder. My emotional state is constant and undefinable. I can only write about writing. I can only write about the absence of words. The extent to which I am not inspired is parallel with my desire to write, both strong. This distance, this discomfort, is similar to the gap between where I am and where I want to be - the trap of my age. I belong to where I am going. I don't belong to the here and now I belong to what is up there.

ian mc ewan

It wasn't only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and

misunderstanding;

above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that all other people are as

real as you.

wake

His hand found mine and left me flightless
The rolling night sky
mixed with the pulse in his veins and
his wake
scattered into constellations
White skin traced his dotted spine
I am wasted
loosing time

Dynamic Peace

I was in a trance for the entire night, an unbroken state of ecstasy.
The music was loud and I liked it, it vibrated through my bones and stung my nerves.
I was consumed by the moment, not just the music, but the entirety of that moment.
It was the passing streetlights; the hazy red tail lights floating ahead; it was the ocean breeze that gyrated in the car and back out the open windows. It was the smell of the ocean, and the salt in my hair.
To my left an array of light and colour flashing. Opposite: a black, dense ocean, humming softly unifying with the beat of our music; the beat of my hot blood.
The cold ocean breeze mixed with the energy of the night, the air consumed me and I drank it.
It was the kind of night one would experience when suddenly, the concept of time, is no longer extant. It was in the moment that I realised, time stood completely still, and yet, the world rolled past me.
It was a dynamic peace. It was endless, thriving, pulsating. I was limitless, thriving, pulsating.

trials and tribulations

I think I can safely title this blog "the trials and tribulations of my relationship" because here it is, another post, about the same relationship that ended something like three months ago.

I think thats why I haven't written on here since we broke up, because my writing on this blog was almost entirely about him. I thought about starting up a new blog. New blog new year sort of thing. But I just haven't been as 'in-touch' with my feelings as I have been in the past. I think this summer, not having to worry about anything, exams or rowing or boyfriends.. has sort of allowed me to just not care. I've been so busy with other things, it was kind of nice to have a break from 'feeling'.

Alas, the feeling of 'not feeling' did not last long. Once the numbness had worn off I started thinking a lot, and far too deeply for my own good. All these emotions I once had and had suppressed  came to the surface again, like unfinished business. I was reminded of how I felt and how he made me feel; both when we were in a relationship and as soon as it ended.
Maybe its just me but I find it so strange that someone who can mean so much to someone else, can just be brushed away like dandruff off a shoulder.

I can't let go entirely yet, there is still a part of me holding on.. It's like I'm still waiting for things to just snap back to normal just as they did when they snapped suddenly out of place.

I remember every last detail about the last time I saw him. It was a really hard day! I was crying in the car going to drop him off at the bus station, I cried on the way home too. It was almost like I new that it would be the last time I saw him. But how could I have known? It's weird to think about how long ago it was since I last saw him, it only feels like literally last week. I walked with him to the bus stop, where passengers were smoking their last cigarettes and saying good bye to family members and loved ones. He put his bag in the luggage part under the bus after checking in with the bus driver, then he came back to me: His headphones wrapped around his neck, looking down he stepped closer and reached out for my hands. I pulled them around my waist and he kissed me. We lingered face to face but only for a moment, I had to look away of course, as I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I sensed that he didn't want to stay much longer either, both of us being terrible at goodbyes. He looked at his feet again, I stepped back, and he looked up at my eyes, and then to my mouth. He gave me one final peck on the lips and turned to walk away.

Of course I did the thing. The clichéd stop-and-look-back as I walked away. He was just stepping on to the bus, and that was the last time I saw him.

I'm working on it, I really am. I really really don't need him. But recently I've found comfort in reminiscing on our time together, which in turn, also made me feel utterly uncomfortable.

I've met new people. Some incredible, some not so much, and of course some more assholes. I'm living again and I'm living for myself, but he's still there in the back of my mind.
WHY. Can anyone riddle me this??? why am I still so attached.

Yours truly,

Anna